October 21, 2020
A while ago I had the opportunity to coach Sarah, the conversation we had was amazing, she was so vulnerable and got very honest with me. I know a lot of other women can relate to her story.
About a year ago Sarah met someone that she dated briefly for about a month. She was just really connected to him and enjoyed her time with him. She was really attracted to the way he thought, the way he saw the world and she felt like their values were really aligned. They were getting along really well. Everything was unfolding in this really beautiful way. And she was just super excited about him.
Then he just stopped responding, he ghosted her!
They eventually sort of reconnected, but not in terms of a relationship. They see each other occasionally just around town, based on some of their shared interests.
Sarah has a desire for some closure or to resume the relationship with him and that’s what we focused on in our conversation.
If you can relate to Sarah’s story I really recommend that you listen to our entire conversation and go through the very powerful meditation I guided Sarah through, it’s at the end of this post. It will help you get aligned with the love that you want and with calling in your person.
In this post I want to highlight 3 things that came up on the call that are important for you to keep in mind going forward.
The first misconception is that that time heals all. Time doesn’t heal. All time is just time. So if you make no other efforts other than allowing the time to go by, the intensity may wane but the feelings, the pain might still be there. It’s so much more than just allowing time to pass but really taking the steps to forgive, to release, to heal and to get re aligned with what you truly desire in a relationship.
During the call, Sarah mentioned that despite doing things to move on with her life and to really enrich her life, she was still feeling a lot of lingering feelings for this guy and she was frustrated. This is why I led Sarah through the meditation (at the end of the post) because she was feeling a sensation of loving this person but when she got clear on what she really wants in a relationship, it actually wasn’t him. As she was describing it she felt really happy but all the rest of the time, she didn’t feel happy.
There’s a couple of things that could be going on, you’re either not being honest with yourself or you might be an anxiously attached person.
When you’re not honest with the kind of relationship you actually want it will be more difficult to notice when the relationship is not aligned with your desires or you could be just an anxiously attached person where you are pursuing a relationship with someone who’s in avoidance.
I did an episode a little while back on an introduction to attachment theory, so you can sort of recognize if that is you. If that’s the case, then there’s two things. One is you’re going to want to attract partners who are securely attached, but also you’re going to want to work on becoming more securely attached yourself.
The second thing that came up with Sarah and I know comes up with a lot of women, they get into their minds that they do not connect with a lot of people. When they meet someone that they connect with they try to hold onto it with everything they’ve got. They say, “I rarely connect with someone, so I’ve met someone I connect with. I gotta make sure he does not get away.”
This is problematic for several reasons, but the first one being that you’re perpetuating a story about what you don’t want, what you want is to meet people that you have a connection with frequently until you meet your person. What you don’t want is to rarely have a connection with someone. When you’re telling that story, I never connect with anyone over and over again then that starts becoming more and more real.
The other issue with that is that you’ve told the story that you rarely meet people that you connect with once you meet someone that you connect with, you put on blinders and you block everyone else out. Instead of saying, “I met this wonderful man and I’m excited to get to know him more along with all of the other amazing men that could enter my life at any moment.” You take the approach because “I have connected with this amazing man, this never happens, I have to make sure he doesn’t get away and I will do everything I can to keep him. I am going to stay available for him no matter what.”
Like with Sarah, she was saying that it was close to a year ago that she went out with this person. And I don’t believe that there were no amazing men entering her world but she had blinders on. She was so focused on him that she could not even see them. It’s not purposeful, for most people they’re not even conscious or aware of this.
Also the guy can feel this. He can feel that all of your energy is directed towards him and there’s nothing left for him to do. There’s no reason for him to make an effort. What’s he going to make an effort for? There’s nothing for him to pursue. Men do not fall in love with women they have not had to make an effort for. Men have to have the challenge.
It’s about owning your own value, recognizing your own value, having a life that is full; full of love, full of activities that you like, full of other guys, whatever it is.
It’s really important to stop perpetuating this idea that you rarely connect with someone and it might be as simple as just starting to tell yourself
“I meet amazing men all the time.”
“I connect with most of the guys that I meet.”
The third and final thing that I want to touch on is the exchange that Sarah and I had about love languages. Sarah pointed out that her primary love language is words of affirmation. I did another podcast episode a little while back about love languages and how to determine what yours are.
If your primary love language is also words of affirmation this is something to be very aware of. You have to take words with a grain of salt. His actions absolutely must line up. In the time that you were dating someone and he’s saying things to you, the words that he says on the date don’t really matter all that much.
What is going to matter is what happens after. How does he show up for you after and continuously?
Take the focus off of the words that he is saying in the moment and really pay attention to how things continue, how he continues showing up and the alignment between his actions and words.
Sarah knows that her’s is words of affirmation. He was really good about using her primary love language of words of affirmation. She believed his words so strongly, when at a certain point, his actions stopped lining up with the beautiful words that he was saying to her, it was a shock to her system.
I really hope it served you well. I feel like it was such a good one. This can be an absolute game changer for you.
If you’re ready to dive deeper, be sure to join my free love manifestation training: The 4-Step Magnetism Formula to Call in a Happy, Healthy, Loving, Committed Relationship.