March 11, 2019
A woman in my private Facebook group Magnetizing Love posted this sentiment that I know she’s not alone in. “I get frustrated that the guy won’t step up and take charge and make plans. I’m starting to think that it’s me being impatient and trying to move it along.”
I’ve heard this so many times — it’s time to break this down…
If you think you might be impatient, then you probably are. It’s extremely common.
Part of it is likely biology and part of it is probably anxiety.
The anxiety is most likely coming from a lack of faith.
You have to start by shoring up your belief that you’ll get love. That you’re worthy of love. That you’ll have the relationship you desire.
START there. If you knew with 100% certainty that you would be in a relationship with your person in 6 months or less, how would you feel?
Maybe like, “uh, now that I think about it, I don’t really care what this guy does because I’m focused on myself and my energy and I’m so excited about MY person who is going to be here so soon and I wonder if there’s anything I want to do before I meet him, any changes I want to make in my life, any ties I need to cut so that I can have a nice fresh clean start with my love.”
When you have certainty that you’ll get what you want everything shifts.
You can only develop that rock-solid certainty that you get to have love when you develop love within yourself. You’re searching for love so intently because on some level you don’t love yourself. You’re thinking you need someone outside of you to provide you with that love. Once someone else fills that void within you you’ll feel better.
You’ve got it backward.
Fill the void within yourself. Love yourself. Know that you’re lovable. Know that you’re worthy. Tell yourself that until you believe it.
All of a sudden you’ll realize that yes, you still want a loving relationship but you feel so much love you’d almost forgotten you weren’t in love. And then he appears, as if out of thin air.
You can’t force, but there’s always the possibility that he isn’t aware of what you desire. In which case, you can tell him. Practice communicating.
Not sure where the idea that feminine women can’t ask for what they want came from, but that’s not the real deal.
You can absolutely ask or tell a man what you want. In fact, if you’d like him to provide it, you should definitely tell him.
Men are many wonderful things, but mind-readers (for the most part) they are not. And having the expectation that if he loves you, he’ll become one is a poor expectation. Likely one that will go unmet and lead to much disappointment and anguish.
So skip that.
Don’t try to get him to guess what you want. Just tell him.
There’s only a few things likely to happen if you tell him:
He’ll be happy to have the information as to how he can “make you happy.” (I put make you happy in quotes because you’re responsible for your own happiness. But that doesn’t stop men that love a woman from doing everything in their power to enhance it.) He’ll then use that information to his (and your) benefit. Meaning he’ll actually implement it.
He’ll take the information in through one ear and out the other. He may decide that while the information is interesting enough, he doesn’t care enough to implement it. He has other things that are more pressing or significant for him. He doesn’t want to advance the relationship with you. He’s lazy. He still loves his ex. He doesn’t see you as the one.
Here’s the thing: you get to communicate your desires, your wants, your needs. But you do not get to force them from another person.
All you can do is say what you want. And if the other person decides that’s not something they’re interested in providing, the conversation is over. It’s not your job to convince them. Or trick them, or cajole them.
You just get to know how you react next.
Here’s a clue: throwing yourself onto the bed in tears hoping that your emotional outburst will somehow change his mind and make him realize how wonderful you are isn’t the right move.
It’s like if a guy wants to have sex and you’re not interested in having sex with him. He’s allowed to want it and ask for it. You’re allowed to say no. His responsibility is then accepting whatever your response is. You’re not going to like him more if he keeps pushing for it or tries explaining to you why that is what you should do. Probably not going to persuade you and is actually more likely to lead to irritation or anger.
If someone isn’t meeting them, you get to step away, not trying to force.
You meet someone who isn’t able or willing to meet your standards, and you release your standards instead of releasing the person. You’re doing everything you can to maintain the relationship with someone who has basically said, “I’m not what you want.” And you’re just not trying to hear it.
You’re hoping he’ll change. You think with more time. More prodding perhaps he’ll morph into what you want. People do evolve and change, but people are rarely happy when they do it for someone else. The bottom line is, you can stick it out and try to mold him into something different, but you’re not going to end up satisfied.
Think about it like if you were going shopping for a dress that you were going to wear to your sister’s wedding. You spoke with her and you both agreed that you would wear a navy gown, but that you would pick it out. You decided that you wanted to have sleeves on the gown and a slit. So this is the dress that you want. You’ve thought about it and decided on it. And then you’re out shopping and you see a pink strapless sundress. And you love it! You think it’s so cute. But instead of just buying it and wearing it in the summer when it’s warm, you’re insisting that you wear it to your sister’s black tie wedding. Your sister is chill so she’s not even making a fuss about it (way chiller than I would have been). But then at the wedding, you’re annoyed at yourself. You’re wearing this dress. You’re freezing cold because it’s January in New York. You look ridiculous in all of your pictures. You tried to make the dress work when it just didn’t . You knew from the beginning that it wasn’t going to meet your standards but you stubbornly held on because it was so cute.
This is obviously a silly example. But not that silly because you’ve done this with men. You’ve decided I want to be taken out on dates. I want to be called. I want commitment. And then you meet someone who doesn’t provide any of those things. But you keep dating him. Because he’s so cute and fun.
Having standards isn’t about trying to make someone else into something that fits your standards. You can’t take the pink sundress and turn it into a navy gown. It’s just not going to happen. There are navy gowns out there. You’ve gotta at least start with the right base. If you have a navy long sleeve gown, you can have it altered to be a little tighter. You could probably have that slit added. You could have sleeves added or removed. But you’re not turning it into a pink sundress and you’re not turning the pink sundress into a navy gown.
The even bigger issues with lessening your standards over and over again is that it lessens your own sense of self. Your own sense of how worthy you already are. You start to think it makes sense that your standards are lower. You start to question who you are to have love. You start to question your own worthiness. And you lower your standards further.
Having standards isn’t about being overly picky or nit-picky or setting impossible standards that only 3 men in the world meet. (Not that you couldn’t potentially have one of those three, but why make things so challenging for yourself?)
Having standards is about being deeply in your feminine by recognizing your own worth, worthiness, and lovability. It’s about knowing that you are worthy of having someone love you, and show up for you, and lovingly provide for you.
Because the masculine doesn’t waste energy. He’s not going to provide something that isn’t necessary.
You can’t inspire someone to step up when you’re willing to settle for crumbs.
You inspire someone to step up by holding your high standards. And you’re only able to hold those high standards when you have deep unwavering belief and love in YOU.
A woman who knows without question who she is, she’s aligned with her soul, she has absolute FAITH that she gets to have love with a wonderful man, and she can have whatever form of relationship she desires has no reason to ever lower her standards.
She knows, if it’s not him it’s the next one. It’s always, “this or something better.”
When you’re willing to release. Willing to walk away. Willing to say, “I’m so grateful that this man who is wonderful in many ways has come into my life, but he doesn’t want the same things out of life as I do, so lovingly I’m going to release him because I know that if I could meet him, then it’s possible that I’ll meet someone who is like him in all the positive ways that I’ve come to adore, but will also be interested in having a committed relationship likely to lead to marriage as well as a family,” and then keep it moving…well, then you create space for that man to waltz right into your life.
PS If you’re ready to create that space, that clarity, that certainty then I highly suggest you apply to work with me.
Of course, you can figure it out on your own. Plenty of women do. And it’s not that it’s hard. It just feels hard because it’s hard to see our own blind spots.
We always have a choice about we deal with the challenges we’re going through. You can choose to keep doing it on your own, or you can choose something different. You can choose to have support. You can choose to have a pro-men, pro-relationship, brilliant, loving mentor in your back-pocket. Someone to keep you accountable. Ask questions. And recognize your blind spots.
There is nothing like the sigh of the relief you’ll let out when you wake up one morning realizing you’re in the arms of your person.
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Highly energetic blog, I loved that a lot. Will there be a part 2?