March 11, 2019
Too many women use the period of dating (before a committed relationship) to try and get someone to be their boyfriend, instead of doing what you *should* be doing during this time.
You hate this phase. You say, “I don’t like dating,” “I’m just a relationship kind of girl,” and a bunch of other BS nonsense that keeps you from actually having happy relationships. You’re so eager to end the dating portion of the relationship and go into a committed relationship. But this is moronic because you don’t yet have enough information to determine if the person you’re trying to catch as a boyfriend is even a great fit for you!
After a first or second date, the information you’re going off of leading you to believe this guy is soooo amazing and would make an amazing boyfriend is his physical appearance, his career, his humor, his charm, and whatever random bits of information you’re able to collect over a few hours. You’re not gathering any information about his character. About who he actually is. Anything of value in determining whether he’d be a great boyfriend or partner for you.
I mean, you could be, if you were willing to ask him questions other than, “what did your parents do when you were growing up?” and “how many siblings do you have?” and “where do you want to travel?”
But you’re not. You’re asking the same basic questions that you ask on every date. That every woman asks on every date. And you’re not actually learning anything about this person across from you.
And after 3-5 dates of this with some witty banter thrown in you’re ready to take the relationship to the next level. You sleep with him and now you’re hooked.
Now, where you kinda wanted things to work out just because you’re ready for the one, it feels like its of the utmost importance that this guy likes you as much as you like him. Preferably more. And you’ll do anything you can to make sure that’s the case.
All of your focus and energy is now on making sure you’re the one he likes. The one he wants. That he sees a future with you.
But you’re acting blindly.
Because you don’t even know if this is someone who would be good for you.
You don’t know your standards. You definitely don’t know if he can meet them.
You don’t know anything beyond whether you’re attracted to him and he makes you laugh. And now he’s your boyfriend and you realize that he’s sexy, funny, but also has a pretty bad temper, uses humor as a defense mechanism, and is maybe still in love with his ex-girlfriend.
Now that you’re in a relationship you don’t have to convince him to be your boyfriend. He is your boyfriend. And you have a little space to learn more about him. You’ve shifted your focus from trying to get him to trying to get to know him.
As you’re getting to know him, you’re wishing that you had maybe done this before you started introducing him to people as your boyfriend. Because what you’re learning isn’t that impressive. In fact, he’s pretty lame in a lot of ways. Or at least not fully aligned with you and what you desire in a partner.
Now, this isn’t entirely your fault. There is an element of people being willing to let their guards down once you’re in a relationship. Both of you are revealing more of yourselves. Being more open. Being more honest. Showing more of your true colors. Plus, it’s inevitable that as a relationship deepens and develops, you’ll discover more about each other. Some of it will be favorable, and some less so. It’s not about discovering everything there is to know about someone you’re dating before you get in a relationship. That’s not possible (plus, it wouldn’t be that exciting to date someone you literally knew everything about.) But it is about going beyond the surface and gathering the information that YOU need.
This requires that you change your approach to dating. That you’re willing to go from an attitude and place of getting and trying to impress. To a place where you’re relaxed and confident and willing to ask what you need to ask and want to know. Notice that I did include relaxed. Because some people will take this as a license to drill a total stranger the first time they meet.
Don’t do that.
It’s annoying and a turn-off and way too aggressive. And you’re still missing the point. Because you can’t gather everything you need to know about someone from date one. You’ve gotta actually date for a little bit. There’s not a set formula where you have to go one some magic number of dates before you’re ready to commit to someone. It’s about knowing that you don’t need to try to fast-forward through this phase.
I purposely didn’t say “you don’t need to rush it.” Because I don’t want you to go to the other extreme where you actually do want a committed relationship and you’re just dating someone for 5 months and there’s been no discussion as to whether or not you’re interested in something long-term or if you have the same vision for the relationship.
But fast-forwarding is when you’re trying to squeeze something that may take between 1-4 months into 1-4 dates. And that’s because you’re believing in lack. You’re thinking, “I gotta lock this one down before he slips away and I’m left alone forever.”
Yikes, woman. That’s not you at your most magnetic.
If you can know, trust, and believe that you’re worthy of love. That you get to have love. You don’t have to try to fast-forward through any aspect. You can just gather the info you need to determine if this is someone you even want to have a greater role in your life.
But if you do get together with someone and actually start vetting him and you uncover information that makes clear that this is not going to be your long-term match. This isn’t your person. (Also known as red-flags or deal breakers), then don’t make the mistake of insisting now that he needs to stay your boyfriend for some set period of time.
People will decide, “well, we just got together so we need to make it work.”
Uh, no you don’t.
That’s why dating exists. So that you can determine whether or not you’re a good fit for each other for a long-term committed relationship. Because here’s what I can tell you: there’s never a “good time” to break up. Breakups suck on both ends, and people don’t just reach a point where they’re like, “oh, I don’t mind hurting a person that I’ve loved. Today feels like a perfect day for a breakup,” or “yeah, I have no problem being rejected by the person that I’ve been imagining building a future with for the past 18 months.” Breakups hurt. There are ways of moving past them (of course). But it’s never going to seem ideal.
If you realize that something makes this person that you just partnered up with, unsuitable for you, don’t be afraid of ending it. The fear about it is most likely just a fear of judgment from someone else. What are people going to say? What are they going to think?
But dating isn’t like job hunting (in this instance). Having a short relationship in your recent past is not likely to prevent you from forming a relationship with someone else in the future that you’re compatible with and really like. You’ve gotta release any fear around “starting over.”
Being afraid of starting over is how you end up in a miserable, dead-end relationship that you’re afraid to leave. The whole devil-you-know versus devil-you-don’t. And that’s stupid. Why should you be dating any devil?
Do what you need to do so that you can find your person.
Don’t try to fast-forward through dating.
Vet the men you like the most.
Shore up your belief in you and your own lovability.
If you’re serious about getting results, apply to work with me.