If You’re a Love Addict…

March 11, 2019

You know you’re an addict, but you’re afraid of starting recovery.

You know I’m talking to you if you just can’t get past your painful breakup. You’re reeling from the loss, but times goes by and you’re still missing him. You’re still confused. You’re still wondering why you just couldn’t just make it work.

The bottom line is that if you’re asking that, the answer is simple. It just sucks to hear: you can’t make it work because he doesn’t want to make it work.

He broke up with you (or you felt the need to break up with him) because something just wasn’t working. And the commitment to making it work wasn’t there. Or it wasn’t there on both ends. At the level it needed to be to actually make it work.

Now the relationship is over. And you’re learning first hand that time does not heal all wounds. Because 3 months have gone by and you’re starting to feel back to normal. Like maybe you’re even ready to date someone else. But you spend 4 minutes on his Facebook page, 3 minutes watching his Insta stories, and send him a funny meme and then 2 hours and 47 minutes later you’re deep in the bunny hole of your relationship re-reading your old text messages and it feels like the break up happened yesterday.

You know you shouldn’t be. But you’re in it now. You know what to do, but you can’t get yourself to do it.

And that’s not really your fault. Because we become addicted to the people we’re intimately involved with.

As soon as you started getting close to him you started forming energetic attachments. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Sometimes in all of those ways. Sometimes one of the bonds is stronger than the other. With space and distance, those bonds can weaken. But if they’re as strong as ever even after you’ve been broken up for a while, it doesn’t mean that you’re meant to be together. It means you keep energizing them.

Each time you think of him, speak to him, interact with him, check his social media, you’re re-energizing that bond.

The withdrawal of romantic love activates the same parts of our brain that are activated when addicts are withdrawn from substances like heroin. Or opioids.

Without the drug of actually being with the person, your unconscious mind returns to the memories.

Instincts tell us we’re trying to solve a mystery but really we’re getting our fix. That’s what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal. Addicts know when they’re shooting up and they’re trying to get their fix. Heartbroken people usually don’t.

Now that you can see you have a problem, you’ve gotta detox.

That’s why the golden rule of breakups is no contact.

No, you can’t stay “best friends.” No, you can’t talk every day. Yes, I know he’s your best friend and your favorite person in the world. But you’re in what’s known as DENIAL if you think you’re going to seamlessly transition from partners & lovers to platonic besties. The only reason you’re even *trying* to do that is because you’re unwilling to deal with life without him. You’re afraid of actually letting him go because then he’ll be gone for good.

Listen, if that’s your stance, I promise you he’s already gone for good.

Is it possible for people to get back together with their ex’s?
For there to be a break and then have the relationship come back and be better than ever?

Of course! (The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are my fave example of this.)

But it can’t happen if you don’t do the thing you know you need to do. And don’t do it in the hopes of getting back together. Do it because you’re ready to heal and love yourself enough to take care of YOU.

Because if you’ve gone through a breakup and you’re still holding onto hope – still energizing those bonds you’re loving him more than yourself. And that’s a recipe for a miserable relationship for any women. But certainly, for a relationship that doesn’t actually exist at this point.

If you’re loving him, and he’s loving him, who the heck is loving you?!

What you’re doing is essentially turning the dial on your internal magnetism allllll the way down. All the way past the level of 0. Past the point of being neutral. Where you put on a sort of reverse magnet and you’re drawing to you men who are happy to prey on women who are vulnerable. Women who don’t love themselves. Women who they can easily tear apart and then “build back up” in order to manipulate them. Women who will look to them as their source and supply.

You’ve gotta make a decision to turn that dial back up. At least so it’s at 0. Where you can just focus on loving yourself. On getting clarity. On treating yourself the way you desire to be treated.

The first loving act? Ending contact.

And we don’t wanna do it because it goes against our instincts. Our instincts are telling us to maintain that connection at any and all cost.

But you’ve gotta be aware of this: when we go through a breakup nothing in our instincts will support us. Our instincts try to tell us that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is important to move on. But when we’re offered a simple explanation we reject it. Heartbreak creates such dramatic pain, that our mind tells us the explanation must be equally dramatic. That gut instinct is so powerful that it makes us come up with mysteries where none exist.

Become convinced that something happened. That something changed. That something could change. People retrace everything searching for clues that weren’t there. Our minds trick us into a wild goose chase. It’s far more insidious than we realize. We keep going down one rabbit hole after another even when it makes us feel worse.

We have to go beyond our instincts and tap into our intuition. That higher part of ourselves that knows that we already have all the love that we need. That knows were connected to love. That part of us that knows that we only felt love with that person because that love was already inside of us. Apply to work with me if you’re ready to tap into that love and call in YOUR person.

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