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In this week’s episode, Crystal uncovers why even though you may be a total catch and ready to call in your person, you still find yourself single.

Note: Below is a transcript of the podcast, edited for readability. This content was intended for audio and may contain errors.

Crystal Irom:

Hello, hello, hello, Crystal Irom here. What I’m going to dig into today is why it is that you may be a total catch. Why I see women who are these amazing, amazing catches, have everything going for them and are still single.

I want you to imagine that you are a Queen. And I don’t mean this figuratively, I mean literally. You’re a queen and you have this massive, amazing queendom that you are ruling over. Just this huge, huge queendom that’s just all yours. And you have been ruling like the queen that you are for ages and it’s been going really well. And finally, you’re like, “You know what? I’m tired of reigning alone. I’m ready for my king. I want that person who’s going to be beside me, who is going to consult with me, who I can lean on. I want my king, I’m tired of reigning alone.”

And so you put out a notice to all of your queendom and it’s like, “I’m looking for my king and to find my king, I am going to hold a jousting tournament.” So this notice is sent out to the far reaches of your queendom. Every family with a knight in it gets this notice and it’s like “The queen, she’s seeking a king. She’s looking for her husband. She’s looking for that person to reign by her side.” And every eligible knight in all of your queendom is like, “Oh yes, I want the chance to compete for the Queen’s heart, obviously. Why wouldn’t I?”

So all of these knights from the far reaches of your queendom and the near reached. Everywhere, everywhere in your queendom. These knights are coming to compete for your heart so that they can sit next to you, so they can reign alongside you. They’re all going to compete in this jousting tournament. So they’re just flooding in. There are thousands of them. Every decent family has sent a Knight to come compete to be the king.

So all of these men are preparing for the tournament and you are sitting on your throne. You’re up on a dais and you’re watching all of the men. And obviously you’re going to judge them based on how they compete in this tournament. But you get to choose, you’re the queen, you can choose whatever you want. So you’re just taking in everything about them. When you hear something really positive about them, when you see how handsome they are, you’re just gathering all of the information so that you can choose the man who is going to be your king.

So I want you to imagine then, the first day of the jousting tournament and they are fighting their hearts out. They are really, really competing and you can see that these men, they’re going up over and over again, and they’re getting knocked off their horses and all sorts of things. It’s just whatever is thrown at them, they’re like, “I’m going to keep going.” They’re fighting to the death. They are giving everything they have, because they want to be with you, obviously. They want to be the king, they want to reign alongside you. And there’s a few that stand out.

There’s a few where before they put their helmets on, you see them and you’re like, “Ooh, he’s cute, I like this one. Oh, he’s very handsome. Oh, that guy seems charming.” So there’s a few that are really catching your attention, there’s a few that are just doing so well. They’re just doing amazing. And one in particular has really caught your eye. He’s tall, dark and handsome. You don’t know that much about him, because you’re seeing him from a distance. You’ve seen him put his helmet on and you’re just like, “Oh, I like the way that he looks.”

And then he competes and you could just see, he has so much heart. He is really giving his all. He really, really goes for it. And you’re just like, “Oh, there’s something about this one.” And when he finishes, he wins. Obviously, he wins. And he comes up to you and he hands you a flower and you look into his eyes and it’s just like, “Oh, okay.” So this knight has really caught your attention, but there’s thousands of them. And so it’s just the first day of the competition. This is a 10-day competition. 10 days. So this is the first day. So yes, you’ve been very into this one, but you know it’s just the beginning.

So the next day, on the second day, the competition starts. The men are giving their all, they are really, really going for it. They are working so hard. They are trying to get your attention. They’re trying to impress you. They are doing everything they can to show that they are worthy, that they deserve to be with you, that they are the right fit to be your king. And you’re sitting back and you’re enjoying and you’re watching. And then at some point this first knight who had really caught your attention. He comes up to you and he’s not competing today.

He’s in his regular clothes. He’s not wearing his armor, he’s not suited up. And you’re like, “Hmm, this is odd.” And he says to you, “Your majesty, it has been such an honor to show up in front of you. It was the greatest privilege of my life to compete for your heart. But I’ve thought about it and I don’t believe that I am the right man for this. I do not believe that I’m worthy to be your king, I do not believe that I’m the right man to be seated next to you. So thank you for the opportunity, thank you for the privilege. I’m going to return to my village now.” And he withdraws from the competition.

Now you, as the queen, with thousands of men from all across your queendom competing for your heart, competing for the opportunity to become your king. What are you going to do? Are you going to climb down off your dais and be like, “No, you can’t leave. I really liked you. You really caught my attention during that first day of competition. I don’t want you to go.” Are you to chase after him and be like, “No, you can’t go! No, wait. I really think that we could be great. I see so much potential. I see so much potential in you. How are you rejecting me? I’m the queen. Don’t you even know who I am? How can you do this? You can’t do this. No! Everyone’s here for me. Well, get out of here, you’re banned. I’m sending you off. You can never return to this land again.”

Is that what you’re going to do? Is that what you’re going to do if you’re the queen, you’ve got thousands of men from all over your queendom, competing for you? Is that what you’re going to do? Or are you going to say, “You competed well, sir, thank you. I will have my servants pack up a lunch for you as you begin your journey back to your village.” Knowing, trusting, and believing with absolute clarity and certainty, that couldn’t have been your person. That could not have been your king.

Which queen are you? Are you the one who’s up on her dais, in her throne, knowing “I called this competition. I put out a notice to the far reaches of my queendom saying that I was ready for my king. So obviously he’s here. He is here competing for me because there are thousands of knights. Thousands of knights, thousands of them. Every single type I know is here. Obviously my king is here also.” Or are you climbing down there and trying to convince this one, “Please stay, I really don’t want you to go. I really think it could be you.” Which one are you?

So here’s what I’ll tell you is that most women are the ones going down and they’re going after the one that says that he doesn’t think he’s up to it. That is what most of us do. We put so much stock into potential and to what we think we could be. We get these tiny glimpses of someone and we think “This must be my person. My heart fluttered, that must mean that he’s meant for me. Oh, it was a really good kiss, obviously he’s the one.” And when I say it like this, it sounds so obvious and you’re like, “No.” But then when you really think about it, you know that you’ve done this.

And I see this happen over and over again. And I have worked with so many women now and I hear the same things. So many women are giving their energy and their attention. And they’re putting their focus on the one or the two or the three, however many it is, that are not putting their energy towards you. We get hung up and we get stuck on these men that are not returning the same energy. They’re not investing.

Now here’s what’s very interesting for women who are entrepreneurs. Who have found great success in their business. Is that when it comes to your business, you’ve understood this. You’ve gotten this. When it comes to your work, you’re like, “I get this. I know that what’s meant for me is meant for me and it’s not at risk. I don’t have to be afraid of anything happened to it. I know that what’s meant for me is meant for me. I know that my clients are going to work with me. I know that my customers are going to come to me. I am offering something that they desire.”

So people who say, “I don’t like what you do. I don’t like the way that you say this. I don’t like the way that you offer this.” Anyone who’s like “The way that you are doing the thing that you do doesn’t suit me.” You’re like, “Okay, that’s fine. I’m not the only one. I am not the only coach in the world. If you don’t like the way that I do things, I trust that you will find someone who you do like the way they do things.” And I know that my people are going to love the way that I do things. They’re going to love it. It’s going to resonate with them.

And so in your business, you’re not grabbing onto any individual, right? You’re not saying, “Oh, if I don’t get this client, I don’t know what I’m going to do. This one client is everything to me. This is everything. I have to make sure they stick around.” No, you’re like “Godspeed. It’s not right for you, it’s not right for me.” But then when it comes to men, you don’t hold that same energy. In your business, you are the queen. You’re like, “Yes, I know I’m the queen, this is my queendom. You should be so lucky to be in my presence. You’re welcome.”

And when it comes to men, you’re not able to hold that same energy. And here’s what I’ll tell you. Some women think that they’re doing this, they think that they’re doing it right. And they’ll say, “Well, if he doesn’t want me, then I don’t want him either. Thank you next. Keep it moving, I’m not interested. If he’s not interested, I’m not interested. Whatever, eff that guy. What a dick, he’s not worth my time. He seemed like a jerk anyway.”

And we take it to this extreme, but that’s not it either. That is not the vibe. When you’re dismissing men, when you’re saying, “Well, he was a jerk anyway, he wasn’t worth my time anyway. I know he wasn’t good enough for me.” It doesn’t work that way, it’s not the right energy. And I’ll tell you why. There’s a few reasons.

One is that you are reaffirming your attachment to the identity that you’ve been holding as a single woman, who doesn’t need a man. A single independent woman. And this is a big thing. Women who have built lives that they love. You build this huge, beautiful, amazing life. Maybe you have all sorts of incredible accomplishments. Maybe you have an amazing education. Maybe you’ve built an amazing business. Maybe you really risen through the corporate ladder. You probably have amazing friends, maybe you have a really beautiful home. Maybe you’ve got a great car. Maybe you’ve got a ton of money in the bank. So you’ve built this beautiful, big life on your own.

“I did this on my own. I don’t need a man, I didn’t need a man to create all of this.” That is a repellent energy. If you want a man then release the energy, this idea that like, “I don’t need a man.” Okay if you want a man, if you need a man, whatever it is, just release this idea that “I don’t need anyone else.” And it’s not about being needy and saying “I do need this person, I need him. I need him to want me. I need him to care about me.” No, we’re not going to take it to that extreme either.

It’s just releasing this idea that “I don’t need anyone. I’ve built this on my own, I’m completely independent.” Because here’s what’s the problem, when we are calling something and when we are attracting something, we want to create a change in our life. We’re creating at the level of our identity. Our thoughts become beliefs, right? Thoughts that you think over and over again, those become our beliefs. And all of our beliefs together, that becomes our identity. And this is what it looks like when you’re just manifesting without any intentionality, when things are just showing up in your life.

And you’re like, “I didn’t want that. I wasn’t creating that.” This is what happens when we’re just unintentional. That’s where that comes from because it’s at your identity. It’s very easy to create something that is aligned with your identity. But that’s what you’re going to create on autopilot, that’s what you’re always going to create when you’re not being conscious. So I’ll give you an example. I had, as my identity for a long time, things are hard for me.

I had this idea that things could get bad for me, but not terrible. And things could work out for me, but not unless I really, really worked through it. Things could be good, but it was hard first. It was never just like, “I’m going to easily get something I desire.” So I always ended up getting what I wanted, but it took a lot. It was hard getting there. It felt like a lot of work, everything felt very heavy and intense and slow. So some people will have a much lower threshold and for them, they believe that “My life is shit. I have a hard, terrible life.” And so then it will be very different circumstances.

I didn’t believe that. I believed that my life was pretty good, it was okay, but it was very hard. Someone who believes that their life is just terrible, might have much more dramatic, horrific experiences than what I have. Any woman who has created a life for herself, may start to become very attached to this idea that like, “I’m independent, I did this on my own.” And we can wear it as a badge of honor where it’s like, “Look what I did. I don’t need anyone else.”

But the problem is when you were being very attached to an identity, an identity such as being independent. Not needing anyone else, doing everything on your own, it creates this idea that it’s not safe to leave that. Our ego will then hold on to whatever identity it is that we’ve created. The identity that we are attached to. So you’ve created this identity and your ego’s like, “Yep, this is who I am” and it’s going to hold onto it.

So anything that threatens that, your ego is going to sabotage. “No, no, this is my identity. I’m holding onto it. Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare try to get rid of this. I’m holding onto this. This is mine, I deserved it. I earned it.” So, you meet someone who you like. He’s kind, he’s sexy, he’s ambitious, he’s well off. He’s sexy. He’s got all these things going for him. And you’re like, “I really like this guy.” But your ego says, “No, no, no. We got to stay independent. Don’t let him help you”. He’s trying to do things for you, he’s trying to take care of you, he’s trying to love you. And you’re like, “No, I don’t need this. I don’t need you”. Okay, if that’s really how you feel. You scare him off. Your ego goes, “Yes, win. I did it. I got rid of him. I’m still independent, I don’t need anyone. I didn’t want him anyway”.

So you have this attachment to this identity of being independent, but it’s coming from this wounded and lackful place. That’s the other problem. When you’re saying, “I didn’t want that stupid guy anyway”, that’s not coming from the highest, the best, most evolved, and loving, part of you. That’s not coming from the place in you that says, “I know that I get to have love. I’m certain that I’m worthy, that this is what I deserve. This is what I will have”.

No, that’s coming from the part of you that’s like, “I’m never going to get love. This isn’t going work out and I’m scared. I’m scared and I’m mad.” It’s coming from all of those lower, energetic frequencies. It’s coming from those lower, energetic patterns. And we all have them. They’re always operating in us and we have a choice of what’s being activated. Am I activating this higher energetic pattern? This is, I know I get to have love. I’m obviously completely worthy and deserving. I am happy to wait for my person, I’m happy to wait for my thing. I know that he’s here. I can believe in him even before I can see him.

Or you can hear those lower, energetic patterns that are saying, “I’m never going to have love. It’s never going to work out for me. All men are jerks. No one actually cares about me. I have to do it on my own. It’s a good thing I never relied on anyone because no one is reliable. Don’t bother depending on anyone, because no one’s actually dependable. If I bother depending on someone, they’re just going to let me down. What a waste. I’m not going to do that.”

I want to tell you about a really incredible opportunity that I have for you to work with me. So for any of you who know that you want to take this work much deeper, who really wants the opportunity to dig in and understand what’s going on with you. I have two ways that you can work with me.

So I’m going to tell you about the one that I’m super excited about, and that is Extraordinary Love. Extraordinary Love is my mastermind. What this means is that every week we have small group coaching calls together. It’s limited to 10 women. And we are going to really dig in deep to all of those things that you’re believing, all of those things that you’re not aware of. All of those things that are making up your identity.

I am going to help you understand what it is and shift all of that so that you can actually call the relationship that you want. This is such powerful work and the results that I’ve gotten from my clients are really amazing. So I can share more about my story and other time. But for those of you who are newer to my world, I went from completely struggling in love, fighting with boyfriends at the airport and missing flights, to so clear on what I was calling in. So confident in my ability to call in, so certain with my own worthiness, that I was able to go from completely single to married in less than a year. It was 10 months from the date that I met my husband, to the time that we were married. So we were able to move into a relationship that was so aligned really quickly.

And it’s not about saying like, “Oh, it’s great to have a fast relationship.” That’s not the point. Some of my clients want that, some of them don’t want that at all. I have clients who have met their person and they’ve been living together for years because that’s what their preference is. So it’s not about the form of the relationship. The form of the relationship is about the form relationship that you desire, that feels best for you.

But I’ve had other clients go from single to engaged or single to married in less year. That is kind of my thing. So if you know that you really want to call in your person, then send me a DM and let’s discuss it. I can give you all the details. What I’ll tell you is that it is a nine-month program. There’s 10 spots available and two of them are already taken.

So if you know that this is something that you want to do, then reach out to me and let’s discuss it. One thing that is very powerful for a lot of women is when they’re willing to make a commitment. When they’re willing to say, “I’m ready to prioritize love in my life.” And this is a big mistake that a lot of women make is that they don’t ever do that.

So what I see with a lot of women who are coaches, who are entrepreneurs, is that when they decide “I’m starting this business” they are going in knowing that it’s going to work. They go in with the mindset that “My success is inevitable. I’m going to do whatever it takes.” And most of them will hire coaches, they’ll hire consultants. They’ll do all sorts of courses. They really invest in their growth in that area.

They say, “This is important to me. This is a priority to me” and they really invest. And then they experience quantum leaps, they experience such massive transformation. And part of it is from the support itself, obviously. If you hire an amazing coach, you’re going to have great results. You’re going to experience major change. You’re going to see things differently. Things are going to shift and that’s awesome, right? But part of it is also the energy and the commitment.

When you say this is something that’s important to me, this is something that I’m willing to invest in. This is something I’m going to dive into deep because this is a priority in my life. I’m ready to experience something different here. I’m committed to this, so I’m going to do whatever it takes. So if that’s where you are, where you know that you are ready to call in your person. Where you can see something hasn’t been working and I am ready to approach it differently, then reach out to me and let’s see if extraordinary love is the right fit for you.

This program is going to be life-changing. I have never run it in this exact way before and I know the power that is available and I’m just really excited for it. I’m just very excited. The two women who are already in are such amazing, awesome bosses. And I expect that the other woman who join will be the same. So if that’s something you’re interested in, send me a DM. So that’s the first opportunity.

The second thing that I have for someone who is not at that level of commitment, is my signature course. It’s called the School of Manifesting Love. And it is a six-module course that has all sorts of amazing, amazing content that you can go through and it’s going to really help you do this work on your own. So, the difference is going to be someone who’s ready for that mastermind environment.

It is a much higher investment financially, it’s a much higher investment in terms of your time. It’s a much higher investment in terms of your energy. This is for women who are all in, who are like, “I’ve got love on the brain. I’m ready for my person.” The School of Manifesting Love is an amazing, amazing program, but it’s a course. This is really something you’re going to go on your own time. Massive transformation is also available, but it’s going to be much more about what you put in, because you’re going to go through it on your own. You’re going to experience that transformation much more on your own. As opposed to really working with me in depth as I coach a small group of women, give my signature process. So those are the two ways that I have to work with me right now.

So if you’re interested in extraordinary love, that’s the mastermind. It’s going to be incredible. If you send me a DM and let me know that you are interested, I will give you all of the details. I’m going to… You’ll DM me, I will send over the details. This is not the sort of thing where you have to wait to get on a call with me to get the price and everything. I will tell you all of that once I respond to your DM. And I’m going to send you over something that you can review on your own.

Check out the show notes and be sure to tune in next time to the Rise In Love Podcast.

In the meantime, make sure to check out some other episodes like I’m Not Used to Being Treated Well By Men. It Feels…Weird.