The Truth About “Being Yourself” When It Comes to Dating

March 11, 2019

I have clients and students ask, “well, what should I say in this situation?” “What should I text him when he says this?” “Should I do this particular action if I want him to fall in love with me and be with me forever so that I don’t have to be single any longer?”

And occasionally I’ll tell them what they can say.

But usually I tell them the truth: it doesn’t matter 🤷🏽‍♀️

You don’t need a dating script

Dating coaches have good reason to tell people “here’s what to text him to make his heart melt.” It’s training that you can learn as you try to figure out this thing that doesn’t necessarily come naturally.

But you can’t attract your person if you’re not being yourself.

Duh.

But it’s taken the wrong way all the time because then what women do is they’ll say things to a guy like…

“I’m not interested in playing games and even though it’s only our second date it’s important that we’re really honest and open with each other so I’m not dating anyone else because I’m so loyal that I can’t help but be a one man kinda woman. So…are you seeing anyone else?”

Or…

“You know, the little things are really so important to me so could you just let me know that you got home safely or send me a text to check in?”

Or a billion other things while still arguing, “I’m just being honest and being myself and that’s what you said I should do, so why has he disappeared?”

Um. No.

Saying things like that isn’t being yourself. It’s being desperate, needy, and anxious and trying to eliminate all of the unknown that goes along with dating and starting new relationships.

“Being you” is only attractive when you’re being the you that’s you at your core. The fun, confident, aligned you. The desperate, needy, anxious you is going to make most men wanna get outta there and back to safety as fast as they can.

enter me

This is where the “training” actually comes in. It’s not, per se, about the words you say — it’s about knowing you have a path to follow. Something to lean on. This is helpful so far as it it relieves some anxiety. But it’s sort of a surface and short-term solution.

What’s better (and necessary to attract a really high-quality man) is when you’re so fully aligned that you don’t even need to rely on training.

Because the truth is when it’s right, there’s no orchestrating involved and there’s no fear about messing it up.

When I met my husband we met for breakfast at 8am. I ate a full plate of french toast with extra syrup and Nutella. Immediately after breakfast we went on to “brunch” and I had avocado toast, two mimosas, and several tequila shots. I was drunk enough by 3 in the afternoon that I needed to go home and take a nap. I slept for a few hours, woke up slightly hungover and met him later that night for lentil soup and pizza.

I was so completely and fully me in all my glory from the first moment I was with him. I wasn’t stressing about saying something “inappropriate,” I never had to ask my friends what to write him in a message — I just wrote what I wanted to say. There was no analyzing necessary.

Of course, as we got closer, I hoped it was him.

But I was certain about myself and the love that I was calling in — I knew if it was this or something better. If you work with me I’m not going to teach you to follow rules so you can get the guy. I’m gonna show you how to call in love so you can finally be with your person.