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This week, Crystal speaks with High Vibin’ Its Podcast host, Kelsey Aida all about manifestation. Crystal and Kelsey get deep and vulnerable with their own manifestation experiences and share what they have learned while manifesting the loves of their lives.

Note: Below is a transcript of the podcast, edited for readability. This content was intended for audio and may contain errors.

Crystal Irom

Hello, and welcome to this week’s episode of the Rise in Love Podcast. I am very excited for you to listen to this episode. It’s a really good one. This is an interview that I did with the fabulous Kelsey Aida. Kelsey is just so great. She’s so smart. She’s such a wealth of information when it comes to manifestation and mindset and manifesting love and all the things that I like talking about, and I have wanted to have her on the podcast for so long. So I’m really excited that we finally got around to it. She has her own podcast as well. It’s called High Vibin’ It.  I was actually a guest on her podcast. I mean, two years ago at this point.

She co-hosts that show, which is so good. If you’re into manifestation, you will love it. She co-hosts that with Lynnsey Robinson. So Lynnsey Robinson is a hypnotherapist and she’s actually already been on Rise in Love. But Kelsey is just so great. And I really, really loved connecting with her and I loved everything that she shared. So I’m excited for you to get to listen to this and she introduces herself, but I’ll go ahead and give her official bio and also how you can connect with her, because I know that you’re going to love her and you’re going to want to, after this episode.

Kelsey Aida is a next-generation thought leader who has taught thousands of people how to own their power and win at life through her inspirational blog, online courses, one-on-one coaching, and international retreats. She’s also the author of #Actually I can, The Art Of Affirming Yourself To Greatness, Affirmations To Happiness, and cohost of the popular personal development podcast, High Vibin’ It. You can visit kelseyaida.com to learn how to manifest the life of your dreams. If you are interested in following her on Instagram, anywhere else on social she’s @Kelsey Aida, and you can learn more about her and how to work with her through her website.

Kelsey, hello. I am so excited to be chatting with you today.

Kelsey Aida:
Yes, me too. Thanks for having me on. I know we had so much fun chatting on my podcast High Vibin’ It, so I’m happy to be on yours so we can, co-create some more magic today.

Crystal Irom:
I know. This is going to be super fun. You know, that was like two years ago.

Kelsey Aida:
That’s crazy. We just had like our 100th episode, but I guess that would be about two years since we do one a week, right?

Crystal Irom:
Yeah.

Kelsey Aida:
That’s nuts.

Crystal Irom:
That’s so cool. So tell my audience a little bit about who you are and what you do.

Kelsey Aida:
Yes. Hello, Crystal’s audience. My name is Kelsey Aida, and I usually just call myself an inspirational blogger, author, coach, and really I help people to manifest their genuine desires and love themselves through the process. So that’s kind of my specialty these days. And I work with clients one-on-one, I host retreats, I have online courses, I write books, obviously, and I just am really passionate about teaching people how they can make their life more enjoyable, easier, more fun, incorporate lots of healing and get lasting, long-term, sustainable results. I’m a big transformation addict.

Crystal Irom:
So good. So talk to us a little bit about how you became interested in manifestation.

Kelsey Aida:

I had this major glow up after a three long period of depression and in that healing journey, in that process to become a new version of myself, like a reborn version of myself, that’s when I became really intrigued with the law of attraction and manifestation. And of course, it’s a very sexy and appealing thought to think that you can just think your way to whatever you want, right. When you first learn about the law of attraction you’re like, “This is the best thing ever. You mean I can just focus on what I want and it’ll happen?” Right, at your most basic understanding you’re like, “That’s what it is. This is what I’ve been missing.” So then I became really obsessed with it and pretty good at it. But, I think part of me always wanted to help people manifest. So in my own journey, there was a lot of troubleshooting that happened, which has taught me a lot of what doesn’t work and what does work so I can help other people with their stuck points and blockages. And I just really value efficiency and enjoyment. I think manifesting and living your life with more intention and becoming energetically aligned with what you want is a more efficient and easy way to live your best life, and get there more quickly, and have more time to enjoy and erase the unnecessary struggle.

Crystal Irom:
That’s really interesting that you became interested in manifesting while you were coming out of a period of depression. I don’t know about depression, but I think a lot of people become interested when they’re going through something. A lot of the women in my world, it’s like a breakup, right? Where they’re like, “I’m ready to do something different.” I’m wondering, what were you interested in manifesting first? What was on your mind?

Kelsey Aida:
I don’t know if it was anything specific, outside of just feeling better and living my life with more intention in general, but I’ve always really been focused on financial achievements in the energy realm. I’m also I’m a hopeless romantic, so that’s definitely something that I’ve manifested. I’ve manifested several relationships for better or worse, some on purpose, some not, but I believe that I’m with my soulmate and everything’s really great, so we can talk about that if you want to. But yeah.

Crystal Irom:
Totally. I do want to talk about that. Well, first of all, because you said the word soulmate and I’ve seen you speak about soulmates and twin flames and that’s actually not something I ever cover. So I would love if you would describe the distinction that you would make between a soulmate versus a twin flame.

Kelsey Aida:
Okay. So I feel like these are just labels for the sake of labeling and these are my definitions. My definition of a soulmate is someone who maybe is in your same soul, kind of has a similar essence to you, or maybe a similar flavor. And you guys have an agreement possibly before coming into this life that you will positively impact each other or be together in some capacity. And this doesn’t have to be someone who is a romantic partner. Your soulmate could be a sibling, or a pet, or a parent, or friend.

And same with twin flames. It doesn’t always have to be romantic. But to me, the soulmate dynamic is what people are really after when they say they want to manifest “the one”. Soulmates feel like home. When you’re with a soulmate or around a soulmate, it feels like an exhale. Usually, it’s softer. It’s all these different words at once, but it feels really nice. It feels like your most favorite food and you can eat it. It’s very sustainable. You can eat it every day for the rest of your life.

Whereas in contrast, my definition of a twin flame would be that person who’s meant to rock your world and really expedite your soul growth in a fast way that is not gentle, and it is not easy, and it’s very abrasive. So a twin flame dynamic in a relationship, like a romantic partnership, would be like that runner, chaser energy, that on and off energy. The we’re super passionate about everything we make, we make crazy chemistry and we make crazy love energy. And then we’re also hitting each other the next day. It’s the polar contrast of the best of the best and the worst of the worst. It’s not sustainable. It’s very exhausting. It usually plays itself out in toxic patterns a lot. But the point, I believe, of the twin flame dynamic is to teach you radical self-love. So for me, when I was with my twin, it was like the universe asking me, “Can you love the most horrible qualities about this person, because they’re actually a reflection of you?” They’re your twin. So they’re your biggest mirror ever. And it’s a challenge of unconditional love.

It doesn’t mean unconditionally being with them. And I don’t think most people end up with their twin flames. There’s this whole YouTube sphere of twin flame advocates like, “Oh, you’re destined to be with your twin flame and it’s hard in the beginning, but then it gets easier and blah, blah, blah.” And I subscribed to that for a while and it was just this crazy roller coaster. And when I got off, I was like, “That was so ridiculous.” I get that there was a purpose here, but I don’t think that purpose was to necessarily be with them forever and ever because the dynamic, at least for me, and what I notice with my clients and stuff, it’s just not sustainable. It’s usually a reflection of your inner turmoil.

Crystal Irom:
Do you think that our twin flame, is it a real thing, or is it just a nice way of describing when someone’s obsessed with someone who’s terrible for them?

Kelsey Aida:
I think there’s definitely overlap there where someone’s obsessed with trying to be with their twin flame. But I think that it’s a thing., It’s a label that we make for that type of relationship and that type of soul contract. I don’t know if in the heavens we are like, “Okay, you’re my twin flame. And you’re my soulmate. And we’re going to go down and do these things together. And here’s how we’re going to help each other grow or evolve or be together or whatever.” I don’t really know. But my definitions, I mean, nobody knows, we’re just all speculating, but my definitions are like, a soulmate is great. Twin flame feels bad, but it’s good for you because it’s the medicine that you need, even though it really sucks when you’re in it. If that makes sense.

Crystal Irom:
Yeah. It does make sense. It’s just interesting. Because what you’re describing is quite toxic. It sounds very toxic. It doesn’t sound like something that’s healthy, but you said it’s not sustainable. I think maybe that’s part of where people run into trouble is where they’re like, “Oh, it’s my twin flame. We’re meant to be together,” and trying to force it to work. And it’s like, “No, bitch. This is terrible for you.”

Kelsey Aida:
People are confused. Yeah, well I know you’ve been there and I know a lot of your clients have been there, which is probably why they hire you to work with you. And it’s like, people really confuse, and I know you can attest to this chemistry and physical attraction and they make it mean like “I’m supposed to be with this person.”

Crystal Irom:
Yes. Oh, my goodness.

Kelsey Aida:
When a lot of times it can mean that that’s not your person. I’m not saying you won’t be attracted to your person. You will be. Me and my current soulmate, which I’ve been with a few different soulmates. There’s not just one, by the way. I would say that I’m very attracted to him, but the attraction has like grown over time if that makes sense. It wasn’t like day one. “Oh my gosh. Get in my pants. I have to be with this person. I’m obsessed with this person. They just gave me that look. And now I’m salivating.” That’s more like the twin flame dynamic as far as I’m concerned.

Crystal Irom:
Totally. So when I met the person who I would consider my twin flame, I remember it so vividly because it’s the closest thing to someone being like a lightning rod. It was like a moment of recognition. I was in law school and another friend introduced us. I was walking with one of my guy friends and we walked past this guy and he introduced us, and he had a really weird name. And it was this moment where I was like, “I want to know everything about him.” It felt very out of control before I said a word to him.

Kelsey Aida:
Dude. I know that feeling. I know that feeling.

Crystal Irom:
Yeah.

Kelsey Aida:
As you’re saying it, I’m just laughing and also getting goosebumps, remembering the first day when I met my “twin”, I was at the pool at the apartment where I lived and I was the only person laying out by the pool because it was like a Monday. And everyone’s working except me. I was living my best life by the pool. And this hottie comes down onto his balcony and clearly, he saw me, I’m the only person down at the pool. I could tell he was looking to check out if he should go to the pool or not. He was kind of feeling the weather like, “Oh, should I change and go down? I don’t know.” And I was just like, “Wow, cute neighbor alert. Okay. Noted.”

And he, I remember later he described to me like, “Yeah, there was just this pull that I had to go to the pool. And I had to know you. I saw you there and I wasn’t really going to go to the pool. I was going to go grocery shopping. I got in the car, started to drive to the store and I turned around. Because I thought, I need to know this woman. I’m going to the pool.” So we were magnetized to each other. And when I saw him on the balcony, a part of me was working my manipulative witch magic. And I was just like, in my mind, like “Come to the pool, come to the pool.”

And then eventually he comes to the pool. He sits one chair over from me. So not right on top of me, but next to me, within talking distance I’m friendly, so I started up a conversation. I would talk to anyone if I was the only person with them at the pool. But I was like, “Ooh, going to flirt with this hottie.” So we were talking, and we talked for hours. I was so giddy and so excited. And I remember the distinct knowing in my bones, when I walked back to my apartment that day, “This person is extremely important in my life,”. But I confused that as, “This is my person,” so I became obsessed with him from day one. But now knowing that he wasn’t meant to be my person forever and ever, I just had that strong, strong knowing this is an important connection. And it became the catalyst for this huge self-love journey. And now I teach people self-love and blah, blah, blah.

Crystal Irom:
That makes so much sense. It’s so funny to hear someone else describing an experience that feels unique. And I know that every woman who goes through this they’re like, “But you don’t understand.” And I’m like, “No, I do.”

Kelsey Aida:
But I do understand.

Crystal Irom:
It really is the same. And I think that what you said about the chemistry is a really important point. I think also women think that the intensity of their feelings is an indication of how much significance the relationship is meant to have. Like, “I couldn’t feel this intense if this wasn’t my person, my forever person.” And it’s like, no. So describe, what does it feel like with the man that you’re with now, who you described as a soulmate.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this, I can tell this story of how we met. So we met at a yoga class and it was just both of us in our natural flow. After the class we went across the street to Whole Foods and got a drink and we did talk for a few hours and it was super friendly, but it felt more relaxed. I could see that he was handsome, but I wasn’t obsessed with him. I was just honestly trying to make a friend, see where it goes. I was open. I was curious. I wasn’t like,” I need this person to be in my life or be my husband or we’re getting married,” nothing like that. We just had a friendly hangout and it was super nice.

I think nice is a great word. I felt nice. I felt energized.

Crystal Irom:
Energized. I love that.

Kelsey Aida:
I felt good. Yeah, energized, but not in the psychotic. In a nice way. It was a different vibe. I didn’t know, on the first day when I met him, how important he would be to me. I just knew that he felt really nice. I felt like I could be myself around him. I was just happy to make a new friend that day, honestly.

Crystal Irom:
And it’s interesting that you say that you felt like you could be yourself because that’s what it takes for a man to fall in love, to really fall in love. Where it’s like, “I’m going to be with you.” Where you’re yourself. I always think if that felt like lightning with the twin flame, with my husband it felt like, “Oh,”

Kelsey Aida:
Like sunshine.

Crystal Irom:
I’m home. This is the home I had. It was like home, in the best possible way. And it was a similar, I didn’t feel like a friend. I thought it was going to be more, but I definitely wasn’t like, “Oh, this is my husband.” And even as I was falling in love with him, I was like, “Well, I don’t love him.” Because it was different. I was used to that crazy, crazy dynamic. It was just like, “Well, I’m not, I don’t love him. I want to talk to him all the time. And I miss him, and I want to see him, and I feel happiest when I’m near him. But that’s not love.” What is this?

Kelsey Aida:
This isn’t the love that I know.

Crystal Irom:
So I want to talk a little bit about your approach to manifestation because obviously there’s a lot of people talking about manifestation, and I know that you have your own take on it. And that self-love is a big part. But before we even get to that, I wanted to ask you about how you don’t have to feel good all the time. It’s not about feeling good all the time. I’d love to hear you speak on that a little bit and what that looks like and what that means. Can I just feel shitty all the time and manifest?

Kelsey Aida:
Well, there’s nuances to this, but generally speaking, we confuse feeling good with being happy all the time, right? So when we hear, “Oh, I need to be high vibe. I need to feel good to manifest good things. I need to think positive thoughts to manifest positive outcomes,” there’s truth to that. But it’s incomplete because mastering manifestation is not about faking it until you make it. It’s not about tricking yourself into feeling a certain way. It’s really about mastering your resistance. Resistance is what blocks your manifestations from happening. Not so much negativity or feeling bad or feeling uncomfortable or whatever vibe you’re in.

So the problem is when we feel negative or we feel bad, if we resist that, we are causing energetic blockages. If we can allow it and process it and let it flow through us one, you’ll heal more quickly and come back to a neutral or happy space, much faster than if you’re resisting feeling bad. And two, you’ve just let go of your resistance. If you can allow yourself to feel however you feel, and now you can manifest anything. It might not be right that second, when you’re feeling sad, that something amazing’s going to happen to you, but giving yourself the grace and the space to feel, however you feel actually causes you to live a more resistant free life, which makes it a thousand, million times easier for you to manifest whatever you want because you’re in a state of allowing.

Crystal Irom:
Okay. So good. So let’s talk about love for a second because that’s what a lot of these women are very interested in.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah, yeah.

Crystal Irom:
I’m manifesting love and I’m feeling really good. And then something happens and I’m bummed out. Let’s say that the guy that I thought I manifested that I was going to really excited about, he’s pulling back or he’s starting to ghost me. And I’m like … I’m really sad. So if I still want to manifest, where do I go from there?

Kelsey Aida:
Okay. So if I was your coach and you’re my client and I was coaching you through this, the first thing we would do is process the sadness and make it okay for you to grieve the possibilities, to grieve whatever you were attached to, to grieve what you liked about him. We’ll give you the space to do that. Then once you’re ready to feel better, which you will be ready, once you do some of that processing.

That’s when we go into the other work, which would be being grateful for the clarity that that connection gave you, getting excited about. If I could manifest someone that good, I can manifest someone that good or even better. And that’s when you go into the more intention setting, positive thinking work, but not before the processing of what’s already there with you because the practice of self-love is to unconditionally be with yourself.

So can you be with yourself when you’re sad, when you’re disappointed, when you’re bummed or do you push those emotions away, which is just causing separation, which is going to be reflected to you in your next romantic dynamic. I pretty much guarantee you that how you treat yourself is going to be how your partner will treat you to some degree, right? Because they’re going to mirror your relationship with yourself. So I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to be where they are and then go where they want to go because it works better.

Crystal Irom:
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You can’t fake it. You can’t fake your vibe.

Kelsey Aida:
And you can’t skip over the parts of the human experience that you don’t like, just because you don’t like them. You don’t have to like it to embrace it and let it happen. It’s okay to not like it. But you came here to be a human and do the human stuff and you didn’t only come here to be happy and have it be rainbows and butterflies. You came here to sift through contrast, to feel it all, to get disappointed, to learn, to love, laugh, to grow. Can’t be selective about the human experience. It’s all going to happen.

Crystal Irom:
That’s such a good reminder. I love hearing that. Even now I love getting that. It’s super important.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah, because it gives you permission to just be who you are.

Crystal Irom:
So let’s say that you were in a relationship with someone that you maybe think was either soulmate or a twin flame. It’s not even that important. And then the dynamic ends and things keep coming up around him. You end up in his neighborhood because of something you had to pick up from somewhere or you’re out shopping and you see his sister. This happens to people. Do you think, is that pointing towards, “Okay, this is something that’s coming back,” or is that like, “I’m just looking for reminders because I miss this person.”

Kelsey Aida:
I think it’s more of the latter, the looking for reminders. And if you’re thinking about that person a lot, you’re going to manifest certain situations that probably have to do with them. But that doesn’t mean you have to make it mean anything more than that. Just because you see their name somewhere or you see your favorite movie sometime or whatever, that doesn’t mean, “Oh, I’m supposed to get back together with that person.” And I’m very biased on the topic of getting back together with your ex because I’ve tried it twice and that shit doesn’t work for me. So I’m pretty much convinced that getting back together with your ex 80% of the time is not the wisest thing to do because there’s a reason why they’re your ex. So unless something changes significantly, I don’t think it’s wise to get back together with that person. Even though I know a lot of couples who have a brief breakup right before they get married or whatever, a part of me feels very strongly like don’t do it.

Crystal Irom:
Oh, I think 80% is very generous. I would say like 97.8%, 97.7% of the time. There’s a small percentage of the time where it’s like, “No, you guys just had to separate briefly.” I think 80% is generous. Let’s talk a little bit about self-love. I want to get your take on it more generally, because I think people can confuse it with self-care, but then also the role that does play in terms of manifesting and calling in something other than what you have.

Kelsey Aida:
So as far as self-love versus self-care, I would say that self-care falls under the umbrella of self-love and it’s something that you will naturally do when you love yourself. So people who love themselves take good care of their bodies. They try to take good care of their minds, their emotions, themselves, the people around them. It’s like a, what’s it called? A symptom of loving yourself is taking care of yourself. And I think intentionally taking better care of yourself is a way to access more self-love so it kind of can work both ways.

But, it’s easy to like yourself, the nice parts, right? Oh, I like that I make all this money. I like that I write these books. I like that I’m pretty. I like that I’m nice to people. I like all these things about me.

That’s not really self-love. That’s easy. Anyone can do that. It’s good. It’s good to like what you like, but self-love, radical self-love. , what I teach people, is can you love your anxious part? Can you love the part of you that’s trying to self-sabotage this relationship right now because it’s trying to protect you? Can you love yourself for not knowing better in that scenario? Can you love yourself enough to say no? Can you love yourself enough to be with yourself when you’re sad? Can you love yourself enough to do what’s best for you? So it’s just deeper than Pinterest self-love, take a bubble bath. It’s really deep healing work.

And to me, embracing all of you is pretty synonymous with radical self-love and it’s not that easy, but it gets easier with time. And this is why I coach one-on-one with people because it gets easier with guidance. I’m really good at guiding people to their compassion and to their own understanding of themselves.

Crystal Irom:
Yeah. Yeah. I hear that. I liked when you said can you love yourself when you didn’t know better and I was like, or when you did know better and you did the thing anyway.

Kelsey Aida:
Right. Yes, that too.

Crystal Irom:
So let’s say that I like the nice parts, but there’s something that I don’t like. I’ll use myself as an example and you can coach me through it.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah, I’ll coach you through it. Let’s do it.

Crystal Irom:
So in human design, I’m a manifester. And so I know that part of it is having what they call a closed or repelling aura. And I experience-

Kelsey Aida:
You judge yourself, sounds like.

Crystal Irom:
I do judge it. And also I have people that love me and think that I’m great and they understand my intentions and they understand my humor. And then I have people that think that I’m such a bitch or think I’m really boring and I have a hard time with it. So there’s that part where I know that sometimes I really put people off or I really trigger people in terms of my work. I know that my content sometimes really triggers people. But then there’s also the part of me that cares so much, the people pleaser in me. So it’s both parts of myself I still struggle with.

Kelsey Aida:
So tell me if I’m hearing you correctly. So what I’m hearing or what I’m interpreting is you’re kind of annoyed at the way that you are with the specific part of being a manifester because it can cause people to be repelled by you. And at the same time, you’re annoyed at the part of you that cares so much about that because maybe you feel like you shouldn’t care so much what other people think?

Crystal Irom:
Yes.

Kelsey Aida:
Okay. So this is classic. Classic strategy of basically what I’m seeing you do to yourself is you’re using your annoyance as a motivation to be different. So you’re like, if I get annoyed enough at this part of myself, it will stop being like that. A part of you really believes that that will work. But it won’t work. I’m telling you right now, it’s not going to work. So we’re going to have to change your approach, but there’s a part of you that really genuinely feels like if I get annoyed enough at how I am, it will change or I will change.

Crystal Irom:
Interesting.

Kelsey Aida:
It’s like the classic inner critic, trying to criticize yourself into being different basically. Does that make sense?

Crystal Irom:
It totally makes sense.

Kelsey Aida:
So yeah, understanding that about yourself. Can you access some compassion for the part of you that’s trying to change this about yourself?

Crystal Irom:
Yeah, totally.

Kelsey Aida:
Notice how you took a deep breath too when you just entertained the possibility of becoming compassionate.

Crystal Irom:
Oh, it feels much softer, like immediately.

Kelsey Aida:
So if we could just be a little more understanding and compassionate of the part of you that wants to change you because you feel like these traits are detrimental or they may be sabotaging your connection with other people. I want to actually speak directly to that part of you. So we’re going to go into a little bit of parts work, which I love to do in my coaching calls.

I want you to take on the consciousness, it’s kind of like an acting exercise. So imagine that you are the part of you that is trying to change yourself so that people won’t leave. Can we give that part of you a name or description?

Crystal Irom:
It’s like a little me.

Kelsey Aida:
Okay. Yeah. That makes sense.

Crystal Irom:
Yeah. It’s like a little me and she’s doing like a come here motion. She’s like, “Come on, come on.” Like “Come, come, come do what I’m doing. Don’t upset the people. Don’t make them mad. Don’t hurt anybody.”

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay, perfect. So I want you to pretend that you’re her, so you can even speak in that voice of it helps you to be in character. I want you to realize that you don’t need to protect Crystal anymore because she’s supposed to protect you. So I want you to just unburden yourself and give yourself permission to be a little kid again. She’s going to keep you safe. She’s aware of what you need now and you don’t have to be the protector. You can just be a little kid. How’s that sound?

Crystal Irom:
That sounds good.

Kelsey Aida:
Okay. I release you from playing that aspect and all aspects. You can be all of Crystal again.

Crystal Irom:
That was awesome.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah.

Crystal Irom:
Yeah. It’s really cool, because, I do a similar sort of thing with my clients, but it’s always nice receiving. Being coached is so powerful. It’s so powerful.

Kelsey Aida:
What were you able to realize about that part of you when you took on her consciousness and some of the answers that she gave?

Crystal Irom:
It just came up very quickly. It came up very quickly and it’s like, I don’t want to ruffle feathers. I don’t want to upset anyone, but I can see how in my work that sometimes keeps me small. It keeps me … I feel like I’m pretty expressed, but there’s obviously more.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah. And not only that, but what I want you to hopefully take away from this exercise too, is okay, now your job moving forward is to just keep reassuring her that you’re in charge. You can handle it. You’re the adult here. Give her the space to be a kid again. And you can even write letters to her, breathe into your heart and speak directly to her. There’s a lot of different ways that you can connect with her. But now your job is just to have compassion for her and understanding for that part of you. So now when you get frustrated at yourself, you can be like, “Oh, this is that child part of me that gets nervous” and now you can understand and have compassion. And then you can do whatever you want after that. But it’s the understanding that leads to the compassion, which leads to the self-love, which leads to you incorporating all parts of you, caretaking all parts of you, thinking of all parts of you and giving them what they need and, or at least like giving her the safety so you can still go out and piss some people off here and there without it threatening her existence, you know?

Crystal Irom:
So interesting. So it’s like this is really taking me up against a visibility edge. I think even allowing myself to be coached on my own podcast and to put it out there, is really vulnerable for me, you know? And for anyone who deals with perfectionism or wanting to be seen a certain way, I’m like, “This is really vulnerable.” But really, really good. How does that then make it easier for you to manifest when you’re able to tap into that?

Kelsey Aida:
So let’s say you were trying to manifest teaching to a million people, right. But right now you’re playing small because part of you is subconsciously holding you back because it thinks that it’s not safe to make people upset. So if you can realize and see that shadow, not that it’s bad and that’s why it’s in the shadow, but it just was unknown until right now, now it’s in your conscious mind. When you can bring those things into your awareness then you don’t have to live from them anymore, that gives you the space and the awareness to choose differently. And it clears up your energetic blockages because if you can get her on board with what you’re doing, she won’t be holding you back energetically, and then you can play bigger.

So this is classic internal resistance that you don’t even know might be there. And that’s why I like to do a lot of parts work because if all the parts of you aren’t on board with what you’re trying to manifest, it’s going to be that much slower, that much harder. It’s like a tug of war between this part and this part or these parts and these parts, but if you get all the parts on the one side it’s like, “Boom, game over.”

Crystal Irom:
Yeah. Yeah. So good. I love hearing the way that you describe it. And I love the personification because I talk about this as competing commitments and it’s a little bit different, but it’s very close. The way that I see it play out a lot and you know what, I guess it could be exactly the same, because I’m sure someone could voice it like that. But sometimes I see women where it’s like, they’re very committed to having complete independence, but they really want a partnership. So is the same sort of thing. It’s like, what part of you is like holding onto that? And it’s like, I have to have all my freedom, you know?

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah, because that’s part of me, something that will be helpful to become aware of. So for example, I’ll give a personal example since you got vulnerable, it’ll be my turn to be vulnerable.

Crystal Irom:
Okay, great.

Kelsey Aida:
When I was about to manifest my twin. I consciously called in a partnership like two weeks before I met him. And I thought consciously that I wanted a relationship so badly. But then when I got curious, I did a little digging and realized that there are parts of me that were not on board with this. So one part of me was like, “We really like being single. You’ve barely ever been single in your adulthood. This is really cool. Let’s give it some more time. Why are you trying to rush into things?” Right. And then another part of me was like, “Well, it didn’t work out last time. Why would it work out this time?” Blah, blah, blah. So there were several parts of me that were like, “Nah, bitch. We don’t want this.” Basically. But when I could hear them and realize that just sometimes just looking at it is enough for it to not be a problem anymore.

Crystal Irom:
Yeah.

Kelsey Aida:
Because after I saw that, I was like, “Oh, okay.” And then like two weeks later, boom. Relationship. Yeah. So it’s just about working with your energy and it’s really a game of curiosity and awareness and compassion.

Crystal Irom:
Yeah. So I noticed when I do that, one of the ones that comes up for me is the victim. Sometimes there’s a part of me that likes being the victim. That was something, before I manifested my husband, there was a part of me that was like, “Well, but I can’t be the victim if I have an amazing partner. I want to be to just be mad at men and blame men.” And then when I noticed it coming up so much that the victim was often where my resistance was coming from. Then I was like, “My victim has all their personalities.” Sometimes the victim is an angsty teenager and sometimes it’s this damsel and seeing all these different parts. And it’s so interesting. And it is really important too. I guess you don’t have to be a billion, like 100% on board, but the majority of you have to be on board.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah. You need to have at least the majority on board.

And that’s interesting that you say that that intention that was holding you back was maybe even split into different personalities within itself. That manifested in different ways for you. And I’m sure becoming consciously aware of that was really game-changing for you because then you didn’t have to act from that place anymore. Or if you were my client, I would help you see how that used to help you and how it’s not helping you anymore. So time to release that pattern. Every coping mechanism usually has an expiration date.

Crystal Irom:
Yeah. But I like that you’re pointing out that it has a benefit because it’s not that it 100% goes away once you’re aware of it. But you are aware of it.

Kelsey Aida:
Right.

Crystal Irom:
I noticed when I’m sick, the way that my husband treats me, it’s like, he takes care of me. So it’s like, I get, he still likes … I mean, he’s always like kind and loving and supportive, but he babies me if I’m sick and I’m like, “Oh, I need to be taken care of.” And it makes it so you are moving forward to that more.

We talked a little bit about getting back with an ex. I have a question sort of along the same lines, but a little bit different. What do you think about manifesting a specific person?

Kelsey Aida:
Oh, girl. Don’t get me started.

Crystal Irom:
I’m getting you started. Let’s go there.

Kelsey Aida:
Oh, she’s getting me all riled up. So first I’m going to preface this with, I’m extremely passionately frustrated about talking to this topic because I feel like when I’m speaking it, I’m trying to save my past selves from doing this. Not that I ever manifested a specific person intentionally, but you know, go back to the pool example and the whole getting back together with your ex. Getting back together with your ex is the same as manifesting a specific person, right?

So the reason why I believe/know that manifesting a specific person is not very effective is because you’re essentially limiting the universe. The universe knows the fastest, best, most direct way to get you what you want. And if you say what I want has to come to me in this six-foot-three, blue-eyed, curly hair, and engineer package, then that’s super limiting for the universe because how many people are there like that, right? So you’re kind of just shooting yourself in the foot, making it take longer than it needs to take.

Crystal Irom:
… you don’t understand, there’s no one like him. It really, it needs to be him. He doesn’t seem that interested, but it’s got to be him. I don’t think you understand how strong this connection is.

Kelsey Aida:
Okay. So when people say stuff like that to me, I want to reach into the computer and shake them and be like, “Why do you want to be with someone who’s not choosing you?” Why, why, why, why, why? And then when you get to that why, you can do some work around that, because usually, it’s an aversion to being single, allergic to being uncomfortable, not wanting to sit in the unknown. There’s deeper stuff there. So why does it have to be this person? And why does it have to be right now? And first of all, you have not met every single person in the world. You don’t know that this is your strongest connection ever. You’ve met like 12 people. There’s billions of people on this planet. And I promise you, if you could manifest that strong of a connection period, you can recreate it with somebody who actually wants to be with you/is ready and willing to be with you.

Crystal Irom:
Okay. But how can I get him?

Kelsey Aida:
Well, I would use this specific person that you’re still obsessed with as inspiration and guidelines for the universe. So instead of saying, “Universe, I need to be with this person, or I’m going to die.” Look at what you liked about your connection with this person. Look at what you like about them. Maybe they’re funny, maybe they’re smart. Maybe they’re really passionate about life. Maybe you guys really laugh a lot, whatever it is, get specific about those characteristics of the potential connection and how you want your partner to feel to you. Not so much hair, height, occupation, but more so qualities, personality traits, characteristics. Just enough so you can be like, “Oh yeah, that’s the type of person that I want to be with.” So you can model this dream person after this person that you’re obsessed with.

And also just keep in mind that that person that you’re obsessed with, isn’t with you right now, so either they’re not ready or they’re not willing, or they’re not able, so maybe you can add to your list, you know, someone who actually wants to be with me. That would be a good characteristic of someone to be with.

Crystal Irom:
Agree. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah, so those are more of the lists that you want to focus on when manifesting your partner. And then in the meantime, there are two things to do. One is to enjoy the wait and trust that the universe can deliver on these requests. And the second thing is, while you’re enjoying the wait, take some time to do the healing work and release some of the desperation, release some of the past and look at what worked and what didn’t in your past relationships and become the person that can sustain the dream relationship that you want, become a great partner before your partner arrives. You can even write letters to your partner before you meet them, without knowing who they are. There’s many fun healing, really elevating things you can use this time for, this time of singlehood, this time of preparation.

Crystal Irom:
Totally. So good. Did you intentionally or deliberately manifest your current partner?

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah, girl. And it’s so funny because I was seeing a coach at the time because I had a lot of healing to do after I was with my twin, because that shit fucked me up real good. So I had to untangle a lot of that, do some therapy, do some healing work. But also at the same time, I was really getting clear about what works for me in relationships and what doesn’t and the type of person I want to be with and everything I just said.

And it was funny because I remember in one of my sessions with my facilitator, he was like, “What are you looking for in a man? Give me an example of a quality.” And I was like, “Well, I really want someone who’s physically larger than me, because it helps me to feel really safe,” because I’m a small person and a woman. And we never feel safe in the world because that’s just how it is. Even if you don’t realize you don’t feel safe, probably parts of you don’t feel safe. So I was like, “Oh, I just really love, someone who’s big and makes me feel protected. And someone who is a grown adult, not a fake adult, but like a child on the inside, someone who has got things going on for them and stuff.”

And he was like, “Okay. So if you ran into this guy today at the bar, what would you do?” And he’s like, “Honestly, what would you do?” And I said, “I would run away.” And he’s like, “Why would you run away?” And I said, “Because I’m still traumatized. There’s parts of me that don’t believe that love can work.” So asking yourself questions like that, or having a facilitator to help release those blockages is so helpful because then I did meet him and I didn’t run away, luckily, because I had done the work to make myself less scared and less traumatized and less self-sabotaging. Because self-sabotaging is always a part of you trying to protect yourself. Usually not in a very efficient way, but in the only way it knows how it’s true.

Crystal Irom:
Yeah. Right. It’s true, right. We do. We do that so much. I feel like even when I got together with Kobi, I had moments where I was trying to self-sabotage and it was like, “All right, stop that.” And he was also like, “Why are you doing this?” And I’m like, “I don’t know. I’m scared.”

Kelsey Aida:
It’s nice when you do know, because then you can tell your partner, “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m doing this because I have issues. So just bear with me here. Okay.”

Crystal Irom:
It’s true.

Kelsey Aida:
It’s called conscious relating right there. So the funniest part is that, so my boyfriend now, if anyone follows me on Instagram, you will die laughing at the size difference. So I look like a tiny toothpick fairy next to this man. He’s six, seven.

Crystal Irom:
Oh, wow.

Kelsey Aida:
Six, seven. And he used to play professional football. So I don’t think it gets much more large and protective than that. And then when I was with him and I was telling my facilitator about him, he was like, “Damn, you don’t fuck around with your manifesting, girl.” I was like, “Yeah, I don’t.” I guess not. I just go all the way for the six, seven. Large and in charge.

Crystal Irom:
Okay. That’s hilarious. But what’s actually important about what you manifested in him?

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah, that’s just a funny coincidence. Well, not a coincidence because nothing is a coincidence. The important things that I manifested in this partnership are safety, connection, unconditional love, and support. We have so much fun together. We’re very compatible. This is the most compatible relationship I’ve ever been in. Meaning we want a lot of the same things and we value a lot of the same things in life. We’re looking for a similar flavor of experience to life. And I was with a soulmate before, but we ended up growing apart because it just wasn’t compatible. He wasn’t really spiritual, so he thought I was a weird witch lady and that made him scared. And then he wanted to live in like a gloomy place. And I was like, “No, I don’t want to live there.” And it just didn’t work out, but there was still like that homey, nice feeling to it, but it didn’t work in the long term.

And so I really made it a point to the universe, I’m ready for something compatible. I’ve never had that. I would love to be with someone who really is going in the same direction as me long-term. So just like all the past relationships, quote, unquote failures really gave me a clear roadmap of what works for me and what I need and want as far as a romantic partnership. And so I just got really clear about all that. And then I did as much healing work as I could to lessen self-sabotage stuff and to help myself prepare for the relationship.

Because even when I first got with him, it was really hard after having had such a traumatic experience, I had to walk him through the process and be like, “Look, if I’m acting like this, it’s because I’m still traumatized. If I’m acting like this, it’s because I might be comparing you to him to make sure that I’m safe. If I’m doing this, like just know it’s not you.” And I had to walk him through a lot of stuff because it was hard in the beginning for me to really open up and trust that this time was going to be different and that he was different. And it’s not all rainbows and butterflies, but yeah.

Crystal Irom:
It’s real stuff. But it sounds to me like what you’re saying is the relationship you have, the dynamic between the two of you is easy. It’s dealing with the other shit that’s hard.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah, dealing with life stuff is always going to be a challenge here and there. But the way that we communicate and support each other and get through things together is really something I’ve never experienced. And just the way that he can love me, no matter how I’m feeling, I believe it is a direct reflection of the radical self-love I’ve been practicing the last couple of years because I used to be allergic to my anxiety and not allow myself to feel sad. And now if I feel sad or anxious, Jeff will just be like, “It’s okay to feel sad.” He’ll just rub my back. He’ll be like, “It’s going to be fine. Don’t worry.” And that’s the self-soothing that I was practicing with myself before I met him. In contrast to the relationship before, when I didn’t have a good relationship with myself, my partner would be like, “Why are you feeling like that? You shouldn’t be doing that. Everything’s fine. Get over it.” Do you know how many partners I had like that before I met this one? A lot. Too many.

Crystal Irom:
Yeah. I mean, there’s certainly enough people who wouldn’t fully understand or who couldn’t appreciate you where you are.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah, I just can’t hold space. That’s the worst for me because I’m a sensitive creature. I got cancer all up and down my astrological charts. So, being them watery water zones.

Crystal Irom:
Well, Kelsey, this was super fun. Tell the people, first of all, tell them about your podcast and tell them how else they can find you, connect with you, learn more about you.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah. So my podcast is called High Vibin’ It. Myself and my friend, Lynnsey Robinson who’s a hypnotherapist, we co-host it. And if you’re into personal development, manifesting your dreams, loving the crap out of yourself, you will absolutely adore our show.

Crystal Irom:
Okay, I have to stop you for a second. I do have to say Lynnsey has been on the Rise in Love podcast and now you’ve both been on here.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah. So High Vibin’ It. If you want to hear more from me and also Lynnsey, and then if you want to connect with me, the best ways to work with me are, I think the deepest way is to go into a one-on-one container that we can help heal some stuff gets you unstuck, stop the self-sabotage, practice radical self-love. I’ll teach you what unconditional compassion and presence looks like and how to support yourself through anything. Because when you can do that, you become totally unfuckwithable and you can consciously go for what you actually want every single time. So that’s one way to connect with me. Also, my radical self-love retreats for women are so amazing. And a lot of women who’ve been in toxic relationships or like playing out, come because they’re like, okay, I know it’s not just them. There’s something here. I would love to learn to love myself more. Help me in paradise. So that’s an option. And then if you guys just want to connect with me on social I’m @KelseyAida, Just everywhere. So I made a TikTok. That’s really fun. I spent a lot of gold on the Instagram stories and yeah, kelseyaida.com is where you can find everything else.

Crystal Irom:
Kelsey, you’re amazing. I’m super, super happy that we did this. I know that people are going to love this episode. I think this, I mean, it was super fun for me and obviously my little coaching session, so you’re brilliant and awesome and I really appreciate your time and thanks for coming out here.

Kelsey Aida:
Yeah. Thanks for having me. This was so fun. I hope everyone loved it. And if you guys did love it, reach out to me on Instagram and be like, I heard you on Crystal’s podcast. So, so great. I love this part. I love it when people do that.

Crystal Irom:
Totally. Yeah, definitely. You can reach out to me, too. Actually, what would be ideal is if, when you’re listening to the episode, you took a little screenshot and tag me and Kelsey, she’s @KelseyAida, right? And I’m @CrystalIrom and tag us. We’d love to see it. We’ll share it. It’ll be super fun. Kelsey. You’re the best. Thank you so much.

Thanks for listening. Check out the show notes and be sure to tune in next time to the Rise In Love Podcast.

In the meantime, make sure to check out some other episodes like What We Can Learn from a “Quitter” Like Simone Biles.