You don’t trust yourself. How could you possibly trust a man?

You meet a man without knowing anything other than he sets butterflies a flight in your belly. You’re hooked. You’re ready and you want it. Badly. Badly enough that you don’t gather further information. Requisite information. You just want to hear the words. Nevermind that they don’t match up with his actions.

Of course he’s not yet committed. He doesn’t know what he needs to know. He doesn’t feel what he needs to feel. And now he’s tangled up in your web of neediness. Neither of you feels good. But you’re too busy “falling in love” to care.

He gets caught in a lie. You overlook it because you love him.
He’s obviously withholding information. You don’t want to push him away so you continue on sweetly. Everyone who loves you points out the red flags. They just don’t understand your relationship.

Now he comes clean. There is someone else. Has been for awhile…“something about us just didn’t feel right.”

Your heart feels like butter as the betrayal swiftly cuts through.

But if you’re being honest…

You were wrong to trust him. There was no betrayal. There was no promise.

The trust couldn’t have fully existed in the relationship because you don’t trust yourself. Don’t trust that you can choose someone who’s loyal. Don’t trust that men can be loyal. These beliefs are the foundation you’re attempting to build a loving relationship on and yet you’re surprised that it crumbles.

Trust needs to be in the center of relationships.

And yet…

You find yourself acting and loving without it.

Doing too much. Trying to win him over. Trying to impress him.

You don’t trust that just showing up, as you are, is enough. So you buy him gifts. Enhance your appearance as you think, as you hope, he’ll prefer. Pretend to have interests that you don’t. Have sex before you’re ready.

Trying to drive relationships forward when they’re not right hoping it’ll get better. Feel better. Change when there’s a commitment.

You’re hoping that another person will give you a sense of peace that’s lacking right now. You’re searching for security outside of yourself.

It’s not just that you don’t trust him. You don’t trust yourself.

Because here’s what trust in yourself looks like: a sense of calm, knowing, and certainty that you’re ok. That you can have what you desire. That things are always working out for you. A sense that you are at cause in your life and that you’re capable of creating more of what you desire and less of what you don’t desire.

…a knowing that you are worthy of love, you get to have love, and you are loveable. Certainty that there’s nothing wrong with you and you can always evolve, grow, and move towards more life. More greatness. It’s knowing that someone else’s behaviors don’t have to mean anything about you. You also know that the only relevant meaning to their behavior in your life is the meaning that you assign it. And if it serves you, you can assign more powerful meanings to anything.

…fully recognizing your worth, your value and being unwilling to allow another person’s thoughts or opinions about you to lessen that. It’s knowing that if it doesn’t work out with someone it’s not because you’ve done something wrong. Or because you’re wrong. But that this relationship wasn’t meant to last forever. And that says nothing about your lovability, worthiness, or prospects for other romantic committed relationships.

…an ease and calm that permeates your life and energy because you know you’re ok. You feel secure. You feel love. You recognize that you are love and you don’t want or need anyone outside of you to prove that to you. You trust in your own ability to show up in a relationship as the fullest version of you, knowing that you being fully expressed is the only way someone else can truly love you in all your glory. You know that if someone doesn’t love you it doesn’t have to diminish who you are. Or what you are. Or your value. You know that if a relationship doesn’t work out, and you desire a committed relationship, another is available for you.

Trusting in another person looks like believing that you can choose what’s best for you and they can choose what’s best for them. You can take someone’s word for things because you trust yourself enough to choose discerningly who and when to trust.

We often hold this skewed view of trust. We think or say, “you must prove your trustworthiness to me.” But if someone shows you they’re trustworthy, you must still choose to trust.

Someone can be untrustworthy and we can trust them. Someone can be trustworthy and we choose not to trust them. We have control over our own trust and must determine how we offer and wield it.

Someone can show you they’re untrustworthy, you choose to trust them, and they’re lying to you and cheating on you. And the whole time they’re going behind your back you’re trusting them. Then they come out and tell you the truth and at this point you choose not to trust them. Now that they’re being honest. You want them to regain back your trust, but you’re no longer willing to give it.

If there’s a pattern of partners who have proven themselves untrustworthy, there’s a pattern within you. A belief that men are untrustworthy that you’ve been holding onto that you’re now looking to affirm. A lack of trust that you can have a relationship that is committed and feels secure. A lack of trust in your own ability to pick partners that will cherish you and be devoted to the relationship.

Of course, there are people who are untrustworthy. People who can deceive us. Those who are trustworthy at first — or at least appear so. But far more frequently, someone shows they shouldn’t be trusted from the beginning and we overlook the red flags — we wrongly trust things will change or we don’t trust that we deserve better. We trust the lies they say, we don’t trust we’ll find someone loyal.

The best way to combat this is before you’re in a relationship. Cultivate trust in yourself. In G-d. In men.