013: I’m Not Ready for a Relationship, But…

February 28, 2019

Summary

What if you like someone you are dating, but you are hesitant to call it a relationship?

Today, I’m diving into a topic that was sparked by a conversation with one of my clients.

Does not calling a relationship a relationship make things easier or take the pressure off? I don’t feel this is often true, and in this episode I’ll tell you why.

I’m digging into what the difference is between when you’re “just dating” vs “in a relationship” as well as teaching you how to have conversations with your guy to make sure both of your expectations are clear.

I want you to remember that you can only attract what you’re an energetic match for. I’ll show you how you can look at the relationships you’ve been having and attracting, how are you showing up for yourself, and how are you creating those circumstances.

Are you creating a situationship or a relationship?

Let’s dig in!

Full transcript

Hello, hello, hello. It’s Crystal here, and if you don’t know me, I am a relationship coach for smart, successful spiritual women who are ready to call in the love of their lives. And I wanted to hop on today because I just had a very interesting conversation with one of my clients and she brought up something that I think is relevant for other people as well. Which is this idea of not being ready for a relationship, and then meeting someone that you actually really like and would be interested in a relationship with and how to deal with that situation. What to do about that going forward.

My clients story

So, I was speaking with one of my clients, and she does not feel like she was ready for a relationship. And so we were speaking and she sort of told me the reasons that she felt that way. She told me the reason she didn’t feel like she was ready for a relationship, and I was inclined to agree with her.

But, what happened was that there was someone that she was very interested in, and he was very interested in her. And so they were sort of getting involved. And so I was giving her … When we first spoke and she sort of was telling me this, I was like, yeah, I agree. I don’t know if you’re fully ready. And then we were speaking today, and I was sort of encouraging her to move forward.

And she asked me a really valid question. She said, you know, “I’m a little bit confused because you told me that you didn’t think I was ready and now you’re telling me that you do think I’m ready, and you’re sort of encouraging me towards the relationship.” So this is what I wanted to address because this is the same thing I told her.

If you meet someone that you really like and who really likes you, it’s very hard to just say we’re not going to pursue the relationship because the timing doesn’t feel right. It’s very hard to do that. Some people do do that. But if you don’t do that, then you’re creating complications.

Because what a lot of people do is they’ll say, I’m not ready, so we’re not going to have a relationship, but we’re going to keep gaining and spending time with each other and allowing our feelings to develop. And that’s not a simple situation, that’s actually complicating the situation. So my client’s stance was essentially that we’re not going to call it a relationship, we’re going to see each other, [inaudible 00:02:57] and call it a relationship that’ll take pressure off. And that isn’t often true. Because usually it’s like if the feelings are already there, you can’t just stop it like that. You’re not going to be able to stop it and just saying it’s not a relationship doesn’t change what’s happening in the context of the relationship, if the feelings are still there.

So what I mean for example is like if you’re saying we’re not in a relationship. Well it usually means when people say they’re not in a relationship is that they are going to owe each other a bit less tin the time that they’re not together. If you’re just dating, you’re going out with someone, you’re spending time with them, but that period of time when you’re not together there is less commitment to each other.

Like you maybe don’t, you’re not committed to calling each other and speaking in between. You’re not committed to seeing each other a certain number of times a week or in a certain way or in different contexts. There was no sort of mutual understanding the relationship is attempting to find out if there’s something potentially longterm available. You’re just dating.

So what happens if you both like each other and your interested in a relationship but you’re not calling it a relationship that doesn’t change anything that’s happening. So you’re trying to say, we’re not going to deepen this relationship, we’re not going to deepen this commitment, but the feelings are totally the same as if we were.

So it creates more confusion than it dispels and doesn’t really help anything. So rather than encouraging that, I did encourage her to sort of have the conversation with him. Find out where he really stands and see what they’re both working towards. Because it does not serve us to not be clear on what our desires and expectations are.

And that’s really what she was trying to avoid. And I think that’s what people are often trying to avoid when they say we’re not going to call it a relationship. Because you know, and I’m asking her questions like, do you want to see him exclusively? Do you want him to see you exclusively? Do you want to increase the intimacy? Do you want to move towards something more serious? And all of those things where yes. Everything that she actually desired was about having a relationship. And so just not calling, that doesn’t really do anything.

I think that that is a thing that people don’t sometimes get. They miss a little bit, because we hear this very frequently. You have to be happy on your own first. You have to be healed first before you start a relationship. And that’s true. There’s no problem with that at all. That is definitely makes sense to approach the relationship that way. And I think for most people that’s going to be really aligned.

The thing where it gets complicated is when you’re saying, I’m working on myself, I’m growing, I’m expanding, I am healing, but I’m not fully healed yet. So I’ve met someone that is great, but I still not ready. This idea that you have to be 100% healed, or 100% perfect or done with your growth. That’s just not a thing. You’re never going to be fully done, particularly if you are looking for ways to heal. We can always find more things where we can expand and grow. And, there’s nothing really wrong with that, but if that’s how you’re approaching it, you’re never going to be fully ready.

And the truth is that a lot of people do experience a lot of healing through their partnerships. So you have to understand that there’s a distinction between being like, I’ve got all these issues, and I’m just like, this is me, take it or leave it, versus I’m working on myself, I’m growing, I’m healing, I’ve met someone who’s in a similar sort of place and perhaps we can grow together.

And I think sort of releasing this pressure as if you have to be done. You’re never going to be fully finished. So that’s one thing. It’s like let go of the pressure in that way.

The other thing that’s closely related to that is to sort of simplify the outcomes. So when I was talking to my client, she basically had this story where she was just like, I really don’t want to mess it up. He’s a great guy and I don’t want to mess it up. And, the thing you have to consider is you can’t really mess it up. If you have the opportunity right now to be with this person and it doesn’t work out, then you’re going to end up in the same position as if you’d never pursued the relationship. Like there’s no messing it up.

When I say simplify the outcomes, what I mean is it take away some of the story. This idea that like I could ruin this or like I could potentially get hurt. Let that stuff go, because here are the outcomes. You’ll create a relationship that goes on for a long time that is really fulfilling and happy and satisfying for both of you or you won’t. The relationship might go on for a few weeks or a few months or a few days or a few years and then end at some point. And that’s it. The relationship will continue for a long time or it won’t.

Either way is fine and it’s not such a big deal either way. It’s not such a big deal. So I think taking some of the energy out of the store at this idea that like, oh, I’m going to mess it up and I’m going to ruin things and blah, blah, blah. She was like, ugh, too much drama. It’s not serving you. So release some of that and focus on really the two outcomes.

The other thing that goes along with this is like an idea of wasting time. She said, I don’t want to waste his time, I don’t want to waste my time. And I do think that a relationship can definitely have a limit if you know that what you want us to be married and you’re dating someone for seven years and he’s not moving any closer to commitment. Yeah, I think that you’re wasting your time, but not in the sense of actually wasting time. I mean wasting time in the sense that this person is not going to be the one that you marry.

But, if you could just release the idea of wasting time and look at it as either an opportunity to really create a relationship with someone where you really enjoy yourself, and you are able to grow from it. Or it’s relationship that lasts for a very long time.

Again, either way is fine, but like releasing this idea of like if I spend a month or two, or three or four or five getting to know someone and it doesn’t work out, I’ve wasted that time. Release that pressure. It’s going to take more than that for it to be a waste of time. Especially when you’re in a situation like this where it’s not a matter of the person not being on the same page as you, where it’s really just a matter of, it may not work out.

If that’s your stance that you don’t want to waste time, you’ll never be able to get into a relationship. Because you can’t skip through all those steps. Like people don’t just go from like, oh, we randomly met at Starbucks and then were married.

I mean it could, but I don’t see that working out in the vast majority of cases. So you’ve got to let go of this idea of, I want to just skip over the whole dating bin. Just be married or be with my longterm partner or have kids or whatever it is. It’s not serving you and it’s not going to work. It’s just not how it works. You’ve got to be willing to date and you’ve gotta be willing to have a relationship. And honestly, the more you’re sort of willing to be in it, the better it will be.

A lot of women create much more chaos and drama in their dating lives because they’re trying to skip over some aspect. They’re trying to skip over the dating part. They’re trying to go straight from first date to girlfriend, and guys don’t like that. It’s a real turnoff, because it doesn’t feel authentic or sincere. It feels like desperation.

So release some of that. Allow yourself to date, allow yourself to have relationships. If ultimately what you want is a long term committed relationship, you’re not going to be able to skip through those steps.

Now this advice that I’m giving applies specifically for this situation. If you have been with someone for many years now and he is not interested in the same type of relationship as you are, this does not apply to you. Keep it moving, and you got to listen to the nuance in the context here.

The next point that I want to make is that you can only attract what you’re an energetic match for. So this comes up for people a lot where they’ll actually desire a relationship and not be attracting one. And it’s on some level they’re not an energetic match for the relationship. So what I mean by that is that we all have a certain energy that we carry, and the things that we want, the people that we meet, they are also carrying energy.

And so, you want to be at the same level. And this is … A lot of times it comes up in sort of the opposite situation where someone is not an energetic match for what they want. But if you’ve met someone, and you really like each other and it’s sort of turning into a relationship, it’s because on some level you are an energetic match for that.

Now, you know, at this point it’s a little bit hard to know, because sometimes when something starts you don’t know if you were an energetic match for something that is going to be really great for you or something that’s not going to be good. Sometimes people are really not in a good place themselves. They’re sort of in an unhealthy, desperate state of mind, and then they enter into a relationship. And so they were an energetic match for a relationship, but it turns out what they were really a match for was someone else who was really unhealthy and sort of desperate, and so it falls apart.

And the thing is this, you have to be really, really honest with yourself. That’s the only way you’ll be able to evaluate if what you are creating is something that’s ultimately going to be really good for you. And it’s hard because sometimes this is way beyond the surface. It’s not something anyone else could necessarily see. It may not even be something that you are fully aware of, but if you’re honest with yourself, you can sometimes tell.

It may be that my client is scared of having a relationship, but actually she is fully ready for a relationship, and that’s what she’s going to be an energetic match for. A great relationship, and maybe that person also has a little bit of fear. We don’t know yet because the relationship is just getting started. It could be that she’s really not at all ready for a relationship and so she’s calling in a relationship, she has an energetic match for a relationship that is going to go up in flames. It’s also totally possible.

You really have to be very aware of what’s going on with you internally. What’s going on with you. It can be very challenging to see, especially if you’re not really paying close attention to what’s going on. But in retrospect, you’ll definitely be able to see. If you end a relationship retrospect is always 2020, so you’ll be able to look back and sort of see, what did I call in and like where was I like that also.

An example of this would be if you are calling in people who are not committed. If you keep ending up in relationships with guys to say they don’t want a commitment. One of the things that you might want to do before you start your next relationship is looked at the places where you are not committed to yourself.

So this can look like a lot of different things. It could be that you’ve been saying that you want to switch jobs. That you’ve been saying you want to switch jobs for the past year and you haven’t done that. That would be a lack of commitment to yourself. It may be that you’ve had a dream of starting a business, and you haven’t taken the steps. That’s a lack of commitment to yourself. It may be that you really want to lose 20 pounds, and you haven’t committed to exercising and eating differently. It may be that you have been committed to moving to a different state. You’ve had a dream of living in LA and you haven’t taken the steps to do it.

So those are all places where you may not be committed to yourself, and so that’s sort of reflecting back. The other thing that could be going on in a situation like that is at some level you are afraid of committing to another person. But rather than fully admitting to that, you keep calling on partners who don’t want commitment. And that way you can say, no, no, I want a commitment, he’s the one who’s unwilling to commit. Even though on some level, maybe unconsciously or subconsciously, you also don’t feel ready for that.

So one of the things to do when you’re in between relationships, is to sort of look at what have you been attracting? What kind of men have you been attracting. What kinds of relationships have you been attracting? And then really consider, how are you showing up for yourself? How are you also creating those circumstances?

So the final point that I want to make about this is the importance of being honest with yourself, as well as being really honest with the people that you are interested in having relationships with. Just saying, I’m not ready for a relationship, so you and I, meaning you when the person I’m interested in, we’re not going to be in a relationship, but we’re going to be in this thing where we’re dating and we’re spending time with each other and our feelings are growing, but we’re not deepening our commitment in any way, even though ultimately I do want to commit with someone. You’re basically just creating a situationship, because you are afraid of being really clear on what you actually desire, and being clear on what your expectations are.

So that’s not a great way to approach relationships. And at some point you’re gonna want to learn how to really express yourself and how to communicate what you want. Too many people have relationships have these things that aren’t technically relationships, where they just aren’t communicating what they desire. And then there’s a lot of dissatisfaction, a lot of resentment, a lot of hurt and anger.

So don’t do that. Communicate what you actually desire. So even if that means saying to someone, I really like you, I really care for you, I am interested in being in a relationship with you, but on some level I feel like I might not be ready because of some things that I’ve gone through recently. But that’s definitely what I would like to move towards with you. What do you think of that?

Or, I don’t feel 100% ready for a relationship, but I do want to deepen what you and I have. So I would like to move into a relationship, but please just be patient with me as I work through some of these things that come up for me a lot. Or whatever it is for you, but just start having those conversations.

Because what happens is sometimes people will do things like this. They’ll say we’re not in a relationship, but we’re dating. And then those expectations aren’t clear. And so you’re thinking, well obviously he likes me and I like him and I’m only dating him, so he probably is also only dating me. And then you find out that he’s dating someone else and you’re hurt and you’re upset and it’s actually a deal breaker for you, and so the relationship ends and he’s like, I had no idea. We didn’t really have that conversation. Or, I asked you to be in a relationship and you said you weren’t ready. So of course I kept dating other people.

So, don’t create these more complicated situations for yourself. You always get the opportunity to communicate. And one of the things is that you get to communicate what you want and what you need and the other person gets to do that as well. And your job is just to communicate what you want and then whatever the other person says or however they react, you have to be okay with that.

If you say, I’m not ready for a relationship but I want to keep seeing you, it’s entirely possible that the other person will say like, that’s just not where I am. I’m really looking for someone I can start forming that relationship with now. You have to be okay with that. We’re all allowed to be where we are. So you don’t want to get upset if someone is doing that. Or you might want to get upset but you sort of get to work through that on your own, because no one’s wrong. He’s not wrong if he wants something different than what you want. Same as if it were the other way around and he didn’t want a commitment and you did.

So, there are my thoughts on that. I hope this was really, really helpful for you. And that is all that I have for now. I will talk to you again soon.

I have an amazing new resource for you and I am so thrilled to finally be able to share it. I have created a quiz that you can find out what your love type is. This quiz is going to take you just a few minutes and by answering some questions, you’ll get a better understanding of what some of your biggest blocks to calling in their relationship you most desire are, so that you can clear them.

Not only are you going to find out what your loved type are, but I’m going to give you personalized recommendations for resources that’ll really help you move along your journey so that you can call in the love you most desire.

You can check the quiz out by visiting bit.ly/lovetypequiz. Again, that link is bit.ly/lovetypequiz, and of course I will link it and the show notes. Be sure to check that out.

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